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The Fashion of the Christ

August 20, 2007

On the website Ship of Fools I was introduced to a new line of Jesus action figures by We are Fishermen . The Fishermen site is very well done, and it seems that the merchandise they produce is quality as well.

According to the site, “Our Goal is to produce the most thought provoking, intriguing products that remind us of His eternal and enduring presence.” An admirable goal, but if you are going to provoke my brain to thinking then you’re just going to have to live with the consequences.

An ancient writer once wrote, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Uh… apparently not.

Bad to the Bone Jesus

biker-jesus.jpg

Riding without a proper helmet is a fine punishable in most places. What message is this Jesus trying to send to our kids?

Perhaps, this is the Jesus that went to the Temple and kicked some blessed assurance while clearing out the money lenders. With the right theme music it would make a pretty good movie scene.

The movie title: Holy Ghost Rider. The trailer: a montage of quick cuts between Jesus driving like a bat out of heaven, turning over tables, and cracking his whip ala Indiana Jones to “Heaven’s on Fire” by Kiss. At some point everyone in the Temple stops and looks at Jesus and he says, “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… (dramatic pause) and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

Clearly you are thinking the exact same thing as me: “That would be just too sweet!”

Bronco Jesus

bronco-jesus.jpg

Cowboy up Jesus! I thought the good guy always wore a white cowboy hat?

Seeing as Jesus is sporting his golden crown of thorns what would have been really awesome is if they had also represented the bull as golden. If we’re going to conflate two different eras why shouldn’t we throw in a third?

Your child will have hours of fun with his cowboy Jesus action figure as he dominates and subjugates the idols from the Old Testament. Cowboy Jesus also has some recorded phrases that can be activated with the push of a button. Instead of “Yee-haw” Cowboy Jesus yells “Yah-weh,” and says clever things such as, “I don’t accept the challenge, because there is no challenge, but I’d be more than happy to beat up on Baal some more.” Only one word can describe that toy: brilliant!

Tomb Raider Jesus

climbing-jesus.jpg

First off, I can’t figure out why Jesus is wearing Lara Croft’s shorts. Secondly, is the wind blowing up or is he falling down? Thirdly, I like my Son of Man less Metro.

Homeless Jesus

homeless-jesus.jpg

And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.”

Right?

Ummm… I’m just going to leave this one alone.

Motocross Jesus

moto-jesus.jpg

Jesus doesn’t need a helmet when he is blazing around on his motorcycle, but keeps it close by just in case the dove goes Old Testament on him.

Quarterback Jesus

quarterback-jesus2.jpg

Apparently God is a Cowboys fan. I guess the only question is whether the King of Kings can play better ball than the Burger King.

Let’s just put aside how ridiculous this looks for a moment and consider how the guys on the other team are supposed to feel. I think the reaction would be something along the lines of: “What the?!! Why do you get Jesus?? I don’t even wanna play now. Screw this!”

I suppose his favorite play is the Hail Mary? OK, I should have stopped one sentence earlier

Skateboarding Jesus

skateboarding-jesus.jpg

The title for this one is, “I am Youth.” Wow. Suddenly Motocross Jesus doesn’t look quite as lame.

I can hear Jesus’ interview on ESPN after winning the next X-games, “Yeah, um, first I’d just like to thank Me for making this all possible…”

Soccer Jesus

soccer-jesus.jpg

Jesus responding in a display of jealousy after everybody hails David Beckham as the “savior” of American soccer.

Surfing Jesus

surfing-jesus.jpg

Sometimes when Jesus is tired of walking on water…

Of course, the biblical account would be a whole lot less impressive if Jesus had just surfed his way to the boat and Peter sank because he didn’t have a board.

Cowabunga Yeshua!

[HT to The Sneeze for the inspiration for this post]

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Scotteriology’s first tour through the toy-land of Jesus can be found here

jesus-talk-copy.jpg

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19 Comments leave one →
  1. August 21, 2007 7:37 am

    What’s amazing to me is that He has the time to excel at all these different sports along with the fairly pressing work of cosmic redemption and all…

    Puts a whole new spin on “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”!

  2. August 21, 2007 11:34 pm

    Hail Mary! I love it.

  3. August 22, 2007 1:04 am

    so, is this a graven image?
    and yes they should have made the bull gold, that would have been perfect…
    my 14 year old thinks they are ‘freakin stupid’
    kristina

  4. August 23, 2007 5:36 am

    I think “Motocross Jesus” might be “Soldier Jesus”..

  5. dmariemart permalink
    August 24, 2007 9:06 am

    These are brilliant!

  6. florabahia permalink
    September 4, 2007 8:52 pm

    Incredible!! I just feel lack of brazilian/american fashion model “Jesus Copyright”… What? You never hear about him?? it’s very interesting! Until now i don’t understood wich’s from this guy; if he’s serious or not; but were published a photo in to São Paulo Fashion Week’s newspaper with this model dressing only underwear. At Youtube(and Google) also exists so much videos about him!!

  7. Jesus.C permalink
    February 12, 2008 3:43 am

    hey its Jesus

    i just wana say those action figures of me r funny as hell man but they forgot the stoner jesus, zombie jesus & metal head jesus

    if u wana see wat i mean check me out at: http://www.myspace.com/crakhead69

  8. Kaitlyn permalink
    February 16, 2008 11:50 pm

    i think its an insult. jesus was not ment for this. but it does get people to talk about him. i hope in a good way though!
    I love my savior!

  9. a_man permalink
    February 26, 2008 10:11 pm

    that gives an all new meaning to the phrase “What Would Jesus Do”!!! keep it up! lol

  10. a_man permalink
    February 26, 2008 10:14 pm

    ….and KAITLYN is a DOUCHEBAG!!

  11. lonetruth permalink
    July 30, 2008 11:10 am

    You forgot the Superhero Jesus. He IS Omnipotent afterall. So I am pretty SURE he has Flight, Holy Vision, Celestial Strength, and some sort of Sacred Shield :)

  12. September 3, 2008 5:19 am

    motocross jesus is crap start again

  13. ilovejesus permalink
    May 20, 2009 4:23 pm

    this are a very good images.. i really like them .. thanks :D

  14. nazani permalink
    March 7, 2010 8:00 pm

    This is what we never got to see in all the traditional portrayals of Jesus: package.

  15. Len permalink
    June 8, 2011 12:04 pm

    Bad to the Bone Jesus reminds me of Arny. “I’ll be back”. Yup – that’s what he said as well.

  16. November 23, 2012 11:48 am

    Wow. We saw soccer and surfing Jesus at the 99 cent store. These are amazing.

Trackbacks

  1. More Jesus Kitsch at Targuman
  2. Go Jesus, Go » Metacatholic
  3. The Fashion of the Christ « Scotteriology « Apocalyptic Clown Church

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