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Plush Jesus and Pals

August 31, 2007

On-line shop Lifeway Christian Stores has Bible Pals for sale. According to the site, “Each 14″ Bible Pal comes with a special Bible story. Your little ones can collect them all for a fun way to learn about the Bible and its characters.” Let’s take a look shall we:

Bible Pal Jesus
jesus.jpg

What? Why is Jesus wearing a red sash. What kind of historical accuracy is that? Have these creators not read their Bibles? Have they not seen the pictures? Jesus wears a blue sash, and as I have been told numerous times in church, “Jesus never changes.” Ergo, blue sash on plush Jesus please.

Seriously though, I would have paid money to sit in on the production meetings of this toy. “Gold headband?” he asks. “Check” comes the reply. “High fives all around gentlemen, we nailed this one.”

Bible Story that probably doesn’t accompany toy: Pop-up booklet of Roman scourging of Jesus

Bible Pal David
david.jpg

Somewhere in heaven David is saying, “What the Sheol?!!? Why do I look like that? I look like I’m trying to crap out Goliath’s sword… sideways! Forget this, I don’t even want to be in the Bible anymore.” David has re-worked some of his old material to express his current anguish:

“You make us the scorn of our neighbors; our enemies laugh among themselves…All who see me mock at me; they make mouths at me, they shake their heads… I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping. My eyes waste away because of grief; they grow weak because of all my foes. Depart from me, all you workers of evil, for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.”

Bible Story that probably doesn’t accompany toy: David collects two-hundred Philistine foreskins for dowry. (Overheard whispered at wedding reception: “Trust me, and stay away from the hors d’oeuvres.”)

Bible Pal Mary
mary.jpg

Look at Mary’s face. When did she look like this? In my mind, and from what we have in the texts, there can be only one event. The makers of Bible Pal Mary are trying to represent her three seconds after she tells Joseph about Bible Pal Jesus. The defensive hand posture is a dead giveaway. There is only one word that can characterize the look of this toy and what must have been the mood during the initial phases of Joseph and Mary’s conversation: Awkward.

Bible Story that probably doesn’t accompany toy: Joseph agrees to quietly divorce Mary.

Bible Pal Moses
moses.jpg

I’m thinking that Bible Pal Moses looks a whole lot more like a drunken Albus Dumbledore. “You know…(hic) you know what your problem is Harry?”

Expelliarmus… of fun.

Bible Story that probably doesn’t accompany toy: Moses smashes rock for water and yells at people, “You know what your problem is…” Hey, maybe this toy is more accurate than I first thought!

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Earlier excursions through the wonderful toyland of Jesus: Part 1, Part 2.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. September 1, 2007 12:18 am

    Are these for real? I entered by credit card info a month ago and have recieved nothing. I thought there might be a problem so I went ahead and sent them my credit card via mail (overnight). That didn’t work either.

    This has caused me a lot of grief because I really want Jeus to be with me always. Plus, at around the same time I think my wife has been charging some strange stuff on my credit card. Like 2 cases of extra hot beef jerky and about $400 dollars worth of stuff from FancyCatClothes.com (we don’t even have a cat).

    When I confronted her, she denied it. It’s weird that so much disappointment can come at one time.

    Anyhoo, I am now going to send them some cash for the action figures and see if that helps.

    Thanks for the post!

  2. Jim permalink
    September 1, 2007 5:02 am

    San Fran Jesus looks like a bit of a beaver.

  3. September 4, 2007 10:22 am

    Why does Bible Pal Jesus look like the guy who talks about free love and lives in his van down the street?

  4. June 11, 2008 3:33 pm

    Too funny…but so so sad

  5. lonetruth permalink
    July 30, 2008 12:35 pm

    Where is Bible Pal Samson? He’d be the biggest and strongest of all!

  6. Beth Brown permalink
    March 30, 2009 8:28 pm

    I was unable to find the plush Bible Pals on the Lifeway website. can you direct me, or find another source for the characters?

  7. June 4, 2011 10:53 pm

    AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA you are the funniest person ever

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