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Biblical Authors and Theologians Answer Age Old Question

April 29, 2008

I handed in my last paper and wrote my last exam today, and frankly for the first time in months I don’t have a deadline hanging over my head. Here’s something I did as a joke at school. This has been done before but I give it a few fresh twists.

——————————————————-

“Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?”

Kierkegaard: Just because a chicken crosses the road it does not mean he is on the other side

Tillich: The chicken had the courage to be on the other side of the road

Qohelet: Crossing the road is meaningless

Mark: Immediately the chicken crossed the road

Luther: There I stood

Hebrew writer: The LORD made his road straight.

Calvin: The chicken was predestined to cross the road (I’m sure no one saw this one coming)

Arminius: The chicken chose to cross the road (ditto above)

Descartes: I cross; therefore, I am.

Job: Consider the chicken, Were you there when it first crossed the road?

Paul of Tarsus: The chicken does not understand what it does. The chicken does not want to cross the road. It does what it does not want to do, but what it hates to do. Who will save him from this life of road-crossing?!?

Jesus: Before the chicken crossed the road: I Am

John of Patmos: This is the message we have received concerning the chicken: he has crossed the road and there is no darkness in him

MLK: The chicken had a dream of a mountain top from where he could see the other side of the road

Feminist Theologian: Typical patriarchy. I know you mean a rooster. Why can’t it be a hen?

Liberation Theologian: Because poor people were on the other side

Jim West: Lord Zwingli commanded him, “Cross!” And the dilettante chicken crossed…away from a homeschool.

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23 Comments leave one →
  1. April 29, 2008 2:06 am

    Thank you, Scott. A blog post just for me, how special!!!

  2. April 29, 2008 5:11 am

    Wonderful to hear from you, glad you made it thru school!

  3. April 29, 2008 2:08 pm

    Brilliant! Thanks for the laugh! Glad to see you back in blogdom

  4. April 29, 2008 8:13 pm

    Welcome back! You should add Billy Graham’s answer (or that of some other evangelical preacher):

    There are four things the chicken wants you to know:

    (1) The chicken loves you
    (2) The chicken is across the road
    (3) Your sins have created the road that separates you from the chicken
    (4) The chicken crossed the road to be on your side

  5. April 30, 2008 1:54 am

    You’re back! Thank heaven.

  6. May 1, 2008 3:18 am

    John Wesley: “About a quarter before nine, while the leader was describing the change God works in the location of the chicken, I felt my heart strangely warmed. I felt I did trust in the chicken alone for nutrition, and an assurance was given me that he had crossed my road, even mine, and saved me from the vegetarian option on the menu.”

  7. May 10, 2008 2:41 am

    This is like an Isaac Asimov super quiz.

    Score 1 point for each one you laughed at, 2 points for each name pronounced correctly and 3 points if you recognize the name, and actually understand the joke.

    18 points — congratulations, doctor
    15 to 17 points — honors graduate
    10 to 14 points — you’re plenty smart, but no grind
    4 to 9 points — you must go to ‘bible’ school
    1 point to 3 points — raised in church
    0 points — for women, gentiles, and other heathens

  8. lonetruth permalink
    July 30, 2008 11:04 am

    You forgot Morpheus: “We all have to make the choice, in order to fullfill our destinies. This chicken chose the red road.”

  9. Nathan permalink
    February 5, 2009 10:41 pm

    “Mark: Immediately the chicken crossed the road”

    That one is so much funnier after two years of Greek.

  10. March 11, 2009 12:20 am

    The Evil One: No it did NOT!

  11. gandalf permalink
    December 20, 2009 3:21 am

    I have one too:

    Brooke Fraser:
    When the chicken had looked to the other side of the road, he felt responsible to cross the road

  12. gandalf permalink
    December 20, 2009 6:52 am

    thought it (my previous reply) over a bit, “was responsible”hits the mark better than “felt responsible”.

  13. gandalf permalink
    December 20, 2009 11:54 am

    Some more theologians coming in:

    if any names are not known:
    Kim Struebind: baptist theologian from Germany
    Dorothee Soelle: late protestant theologian from Germany, very prominent in the 60s and 70s of the last century.
    Brian Houston: senior pastor of Hillsong Church in Sydney

    Kim Struebind:
    the chicken went away from his consort Aschera to then evolve as the chicken of monotheism

    Dorothee Soelle:
    the chicken crossed the road being convinced, that the other side is not really there

    Brian Houston:
    because on the other side is a chicken coop that is so huge that both city and nation cannot ignore it

  14. gandalf permalink
    December 22, 2009 3:17 am

    one more regarding Tom Wright, anglican theologian and bishop of durham

    “There are three things regarding the chicken crossing the road

    1) the chicken has not yet crossed the road, for the time has not come yet and there is plenty of good work to do
    2) the chicken will cross the road to the other side only temporarily
    3) after that period the chicken will be brought back to this side to stay here forever after being renewed and judged for matters concerned with his first stay

  15. gandalf permalink
    December 22, 2009 12:44 pm

    one for John Piper:

    “the purpose of all chicken crossing of all times is to display the greatness of the glory of HIS grace.”

  16. February 10, 2010 11:25 pm

    Creflo Dollar: The road did not come as a road but as a dirt track. It only became a road after it was anointed. We are all roads with a little ‘r’.

  17. WenatcheeTheHatchet permalink
    July 12, 2010 6:15 pm

    Benny Hinn: there are nine chickens, not one.

  18. WenatcheeTheHatchet permalink
    July 12, 2010 6:17 pm

    Dietrich Bonhoeffer–it is meaningless to speak of the ethical actions of chickens in the abstract. Why did THIS chicken cross THAT road?

  19. BOB DOWELL permalink
    May 13, 2011 4:13 pm

    The chicken crossed the road to prove to the armadillo that it can be done.

Trackbacks

  1. Scott’s Back! « Dr Jim West
  2. My dog’s got no nose… « Tortoise of Dissent
  3. Why did the chicken cross the road? p1 « Daniel's Think Tank
  4. More Canadian Christian Blogs « Cheese-Wearing Theology

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