Worst Preacher Ever: Van Impe vs White
The end of Round 1 is fast approaching. Today’s match-up finds the late night king taking on the Botox queen.
Van Impe:
I think regular reader and commenter J made a great point when the Championship Bracket first came out, “He (Van Impe) gets points for being wrong so often, and still keeping his core audience.” Yup. As an example of the sort of fear mongering and Bible manipulation that Van Impe does to try and sway people to send him money I offer you “2000 Time Bomb”:
And yet they still send him money!! Arrrrgggggghhhhh!! He’s moved off of Y2K now and onto the Incan calendar as an indicator of the end of the world… and yet they still send him money. Wow.
Van Impe also has a habit of doing perhaps the greatest Neo-Gnostic disservice to the Bible today. Whenever he speaks he just randomly drops Scripture addresses from the Bible. No context, no exegesis, not even a little overt eisegesis. Nothing. Just throws it out there. I’m not sure what kind of misguided ‘authority’ he thinks he has, or what kind of gnostic magic he think the Bible has but can you imagine living with this guy? Poor Rexella:
Jack: Honey could you please pass the bread, First Chronicles 23:9, Psalm 14:4, Mark 14:20
Rexella: Oh, Jack
Jack: Looks like it will be a nice day today, Matthew 16:2-3, James 1:11
Rexella: Yes jack
Jack: Could I get the milk please? Luke 4:4, Job 29:6, proverbs 27:27
Rexella: Ohhhh Jack
Speaking of Rexella do you notice how she often puts an odd emphasis on the wrong syllable, and will say the most bizarre things as if she did not hear Jack, or much more likely, she has no idea what he just said?
Jack: … and because of that Scripture verse it is clear that 1 million people will die
Rexella: Isn’t God wonderful?
Jack: And not just die, but be tortured horribly
Rexella: Ooohhh Jack, Jesus is beautiful
Jack: And not just a million people but their children too
Rexella: All the time God is good
Jack: and their pets
Rexella: Amen Jack!
Can you imagine how awkward it must have been right before these two consummated their wedding vows?
Jack: Let’s go to the bedroom, Mark 10:7
Rexella: Um… Jack? It sort of ruins the mood when you do that.
Jack: My mood could never be ruined by you, Proverbs 5:19, Song of Solomon 1:16
Rexella: Seriously, if you keep up the Scripture thing I’m not going upstairs
Jack: You have to go upstairs, 1 Peter 3:1-2, Ephesians 5:22
Rexella: Seriously Jack stop now
Jack: I can’t, Luke 19:40, Deuteronomy 6:6
Rexella: You’re sleeping alone tonight
White:
TD Jakes must be sooooooooooo proud. Bynum and White, his proteges, both go down in flames. Apparently his ‘anointing’ comes with a best before date. I think we may have a new contestant when this championship is run again. That’s right Jakes: you’re on notice!
Anyways, Paula White irks me: She is a bad preacher trying to imitate someone else and their style, and the lens she views the Bible through is so distorted that she ends up never saying anything that is actually in the Bible. If she lived in any other time, or most any other place than America, she would be a prostitute instead of a “life coach” because when all is said and done all she cares about is the money. I say we call her Gomer White, maybe, Jezebel White; something like that, and those are references from the Bible so she won’t get them.
Paula, I have written about you before, and amongst my other advice this piece still has high priority: STOP getting Botox. Seriously…
Paula Happy:
Paula Angry:
Paula Sad:
Paula Tired:
An example pf Paula’s ‘preaching’… God help us….
Hands Down Paula’s Best Preaching:
————————————————–
How do you choose? They are both so, so , so , so , so , so, so, so, so, so BAD!!!!
Let the voting begin!
Next match: Bentley vs Hawkins
Boy now this is tough. It’s virtually a tie- but because White’s hair never moves, it has to be her.
Come on, there’s been shifting… Nice.
White’s movements are intoxicating in all the wrong ways.
My vote is for White.
I vote for the old codger. No, not Jim West, I mean Jack van Impe.
I’m going to take my time on this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DN5NNn68esg
If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my room…
That must be the worst impersonation of a Black woman by a white woman. Ever.
White gets my vote.
She’s like the angel described in the book of Corinthians. Yes, the fallen ones.
van Impe aka the real anti-Christ!
First of all, Jake: MY EYES!!
Secondly, White is truly horrible. I mean, I could really have (come on!) enjoyed pulling my own fingernails out with pliers better than sitting through several of her sermons.
But let’s face it: Impe is the Real Deal. I’m strangely certain Scott somehow has bugged the Impe house(s) for some useful dialogue, the posted excerpts from which had me nearly wetting myself. This guy is on, all the time. You could probably populate a small South Pacific kingdom with the “Real Antichrist”s he’s exposed, and he has never — to my knowledge — so much as acknowledged a mistaken outing. He’s been doing it for years, and I doubt some upstart youngster (tho, who can really say for sure — how many injections can the human face take before spontaneous disintegration occurs?) has any chance of taking him out.
Like I said before, he’s a national treasure.
While the “hair never moves” contest might be a toss-up, Impe wins this hands down.
I liken this match up to a bunch of North Americans watching a cricket test match. There’s gonna be a lot of dumb looks, shoulder shrugs, squinting, boredom, alcohol abuse and calls of “What is going on here?” from the viewers.
I’d like to make up some clever Cricket analogy but I have no idea what is going on in that sport, much like I have no idea what’s going on in Van Impe’s or White’s head. Utter lunacy. Both the contestants here, and the sport of Cricket.
I had originally posted a youtube video of a Paula White aerobics video (that was apparently replaced by a video that Scott has bookmarked) so I know which “Preacher” I’d rather watch. I also know which “Preacher” scared the living bejeebuz out of me when I was a kid and flipping channels on TV.
Van Impe.
[Scott: Jake I can't believe that you posted one of your favorite videos and then tried to pawn your deviancy off on me after people were frightened. Deviant.]
You know, now that I’ve had time for the images to fade from my optical cortex, I can offer the following to Jake: it’s okay; fat girls need love, too. (Somebody hadda say it)
@ Cricket, I have to agree. It’s also like (US, especially Southern) Americans watching hockey. All I know about the game is that it’s apparently a rule that somebody has to beat the crap out of somebody before the third period. What’s up with that? I don’t remember hockey being that violent when I was a kid.
Oh, wait. That was “Sesame Street on Ice.”
[Agathos: Apparently Jake rocks the large love which is strange seeing what his lawyer argued concerning him in court: it seems Jake has been spending some time in Houston]
Y’know, I was gonna accuse you of having held on to that, just waiting for an opportunity, but then you had to pick a story that’s less than a day old. How the blazes did you find that?
You, sir, are a sick twist. And I salute you. (With my hand, don’t get any ideas.)
Very funny, love the vanImpe dialogues.
White
I hate you Scott. I hate you so much.
[Scott: Jake really loves me, he just doesn't like it when I "expose" his little deficiency]
As opposed to Scott, who will randomly expose his “little deficiency” seemingly at will and at completely inappropriate times.
All right, I’m done. I’m out. No more. Take one last pot shot buddy. I’m done now.
God knows all and He is a just judge. He will judge these ministers, and Paula, for the deeds they have sown. I believe He was just faithful and just to give them time to repent because He is a merciful God. But there is a time He says ENOUGH IS ENOUGH and the hammer comes down!
That is why you see so many of these evil men and women professing to be people of God coming down now because He is truly at the END OF HIS ROPE and they all had enough time…………..
NOW time is up! And His judgment will begin……………………