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How To Kill A Witch

October 8, 2008

Look into the face of stupidity. OK, maybe insanity is a better word.

This guy is accused of pouring a liquid on an English teacher and holding a lighter near her because he believed she was a witch.

“The suspect later told us he was trying to kill the witch by pouring holy water over her head,” said Ferndale Detective Ken Denmark. “We confiscated two lighters from him and he was committed for psychiatric evaluation.” [Read the whole article HERE]

Obviously Mr. Najor didn’t do his homework. If you really want to kill a witch you have to first consult The Malleus Maleficarum (Latin for “The Hammer of Witches”). The Hammer is a delightful little ditty written in 1486 by Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger who were both Inquisitors. That right there should notify you that there are very few intentional laughs in this book.

The book was written with two purposes. The first was to rebut any arguments that suggested witches didn’t exist. Which is quite important because if you’re going to go through all of the trouble of killing a witch it’s usually good to have some of them around. Take a gander at this awe inspiring chapter title “Whether the Belief that there are such Beings as Witches is so Essential a Part of the Catholic Faith that Obstinacy to maintain the Opposite Opinion manifestly savours of Heresy.” Yup, sounds like a real page turner. Of course, in this part of the book the authors also answer important questions that are on all of our minds such as whether children can be created by a liaison with Incubi and Succubi.

The second purpose of the book is a delightful exploration on identifying, catching, judging, and killing witches. Covering such important questions as “Of the Continuing of the Torture, and of the Devices and Signs by which the Judge can Recognize a Witch; and how he ought to Protect himself from their Spells. Also how they are to be Shaved in Parts where they use to Conceal the Devil’s Masks and Tokens; together with the due Setting Forth of Various Means of Overcoming the Obstinacy in Keeping Silence and Refusal to Confess. And it is the Tenth Action.” Just in case you missed it one of the things you do when you catch a witch is shave her “parts”. Seems like an awful lot to cover in one chapter; should have made it two.

So there you go. If you suspect your English teacher at your local adult eduction center to be a witch don’t act hastily and just pour holy water on her. Consult the experts, and do your job properly!

And just as a side bar. I hope that most readers here have a good idea that Dan Brown may be one of the very worst historians on the planet. Good story teller, obviously, but god-awful historian. The periods of witch hunting are complicated. In some countries like Estonia and Finland the majority of ‘witches’ that were killed were men. It wasn’t about the goddess or the family line of Jesus. Trust me.

And if you don’t trust me, and think the DaVinci Code is the best truest book ever written, open up some history books and some primary sources and you will see that I’m quite right and he is quite wrong… and his mis-use of The Hammer is just the tip of the iceberg!

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. October 8, 2008 8:13 pm

    This story made http://detentionslip.org ! Check it out for all the crazy headlines from our schools.

  2. October 9, 2008 8:58 am

    The good news is that, while holy water may not kill witches, it has been known to impede the damage lighters can cause…

  3. October 9, 2008 9:03 am

    LOL! Good point.

  4. Jesse permalink
    April 5, 2009 3:34 pm

    You must understand the spirit world called the astro plane before you can even think of killing a Witch.Your body is what holds the spirit,you won’t wake up again if the spirit is killed.These witches are smart and have evalved to a new breed,turning people into there puppet by having a Hungry Ghost enter the body.These people won’t even know the witch has turned them using them as cattle to feed off of.What do these witches want?They want it all,your energy,your soul and to control.You can’t murder them,its against the Law,they know this.God Bless

  5. LastLegend permalink
    November 21, 2009 4:02 pm

    so you can’t stop them? how do you protect yourself from these monsters?
    holy water is no good?any pentagrams capable of stopping this things?come on any thing unholy can be killed.

  6. Diewitch permalink
    May 20, 2011 1:19 am

    There are many ways to kill witches. Holy water doesn’t work, though. Nor crosses or anything. Rowan wood repels witches, as well as silver chains, which can be used to imprison them. Also, salt and iron will kill a witch. But to destroy their souls so they have no way at all of coming back to Earth, burn their body and destroy their heart.

  7. Diewitch permalink
    June 7, 2011 12:47 am

    I forgot to add, drowning witches in water is a good method too, as long as it’s running water, like a river of some sort.

    By the way, witches don’t fly broomsticks.

  8. Texas Dave permalink
    June 7, 2011 2:29 pm

    I’m, like, REALLY hoping that those last few posts were sarcasm…

  9. Diewitch permalink
    June 24, 2011 1:13 pm

    @Texas Dave

    If you’re also including mine, then nope. Witches are foul creatures, and I can’t understand why some people out there want to be witches, like Wiccans. (No offense to any Wiccans out there, it’s just I dislike them a little bit.) Y’know, the rituals just creep me out.

    To me, a witch is just some old fool that’s sold their soul to the Devil. (I’m not religious and I’m not all like ‘The Bible says witches must die blah blah blah’, but still, they do seem like Satanists, especially since I’ve learned in the olden days, rituals were carried out by witches to try and summon the Devil to this world).

    - Diewitch.

  10. The Hairy Arse permalink
    August 28, 2011 4:57 am

    @Diewitch

    I agree, those are good ways to kill witches, and yes, witches do seem Satanic.

    To those wanting to kill witches, I’ll provide a list of weapons that will be very effective against witches.

    1.) Machete
    2.) Crossbow with aluminium barbed bolt(s)

    I’ll maybe add some more effective weapons later. If anyone has any recommendations for weapons, just tell me. As Diewitch said, silver is a very good material to use, but let’s face it: with a machete and crossbow, you’re a killing machine already.

  11. Miguel permalink
    January 6, 2012 5:35 am

    Meaning no offense, but that part about shaving their private “parts”; won’t help. One must remember that witches are not static. They change with the times, just like the AIDS virus. I was married to a witch for 4 years and she shaved her OWN private parts. The best way to detect them is to remember, ALL (real) WITCHES HAVE RED HAIR. You can see them every day in divorce court.

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