CMMI Semi-Finals: Cancer Pastor vs Christian Side-Hug

Maybe you’re saying to yourself, “Wait a minute. This is Christianity’s March Madness Insanity, but wait? It’s April! Well boys and girls, when you have this much crazy, one month just ain’t gonna do.

The Madness continues!

Cancer Pastor Michael Guglielmucci

Round One: vs Morningstar Madness

Quarter-Finals: vs Creepiest Worship Ever

Guglielmucci has been a juggernaut in this competition steamrolling through two worthy competitors without even needing to turn up the flow on his oxygen tank! However, he may need to rub-out a new song to take this round as he faces… um… stiff competition!

Michael Guglielmucci is a former Adelaide pastor who inspired hundreds of thousands of young Christians with his with his terminal cancer “battle” and has been exposed as a fraud.

The Goog released a hit song The Healer which was featured on an album by Sydney church Hillsong. It debuted at No. 2 on the ARIA charts. The song became an anthem of faith for believers, many of whom are suffering their own illness and were praying for a miracle for Mr Guglielmucci, who has claimed for two years to be terminally ill. One problem… Guglielmucci was lying about having cancer!

Guglielmucci may be the final definitive proof that God is not a God of retribution. He might just be the lynchpin in the argument against the mean, punitive, and vindictive God of people like Pat Robertson. The fact that this guy didn’t get hit by a lightning-bolt as he read Isaiah while hooked up to an oxygen-tank because he was “sick” so he could manipulate the emotions of the congregation darn near proves that there is nothing, that anyone, at anytime, can do to deserve some sort of retributive punishment.

But Damn!… that takes balls. First, lie about having cancer, then get up in front of a large group of people (while being filmed!) wearing an oxygen tube–because you have cancer–and then read some emotionally loaded Scripture so you can create the right ethos for your song? Wow.

Words… Just… Fail

… Ooops! Make that Porn-Addicted Cancer-Faking pastor.

Do you remember when they told you stop doing that or you’ll go blind? Apparently, ‘they’ were wrong. Stop doing that or you’ll become a worship pastor, fake cancer, lose your hair, throw up all over yourself, and need an oxygen tube.

In summary: “The real reason I faked cancer is because I’m addicted to porn.”

Ahhh! It all makes sense now… or not.

Christian Side Hug

Commenter bagger states it aptly after the Quaters, “In my day, a “Rough Rider” was a condom “studded for her pleasure.” And they’ve got one filled up with Christ’s Love? Gross.”

Yup, this is a side-hug around your throat that forces you to tap in submission. Cancer Pastor better have been working on his ground defense.

Round One: vs Dough Patrol

Quarter-Finals: vs Worst Worship Ever Rick Pino

It is hard for me to adequately describe the travesty of this video.

When I first saw it I thought it was a joke. OK, ha ha, whatever… but then it slowly dawned on me that no they might not be joking. Then I started paying attention to the wonderful lyrics

“Gimme that Christian Side Hug, Gimme That Christian Side Hug, I’m a Rough Rider filled up with Christ’s Love, Gimme that Christian Hug…”

I have been hard in the past on the lyrics of other songs, but it is difficult for me to imagine a worse line in any song ever written than: I’m a Rough Rider filled up with Christ’s Love.

It actually hurts my brain. Possibly, the worst line ever written in a Christian song.

Unfortunately, the song continues: “…When I hug people I leave room for the Holy Spirit.”

What?

If you say that five times in a row you will actually retard your own IQ by fifteen points. OK: now that is the worst line ever written in a Christian song.

Who am I kidding?

They’re both horrible. It’s like trying to choose between herpes and syphilis.

The ‘performers’ in this video inquire, “Are you all ready to party up in here-ah?”

Ummmm… no we’re not. Please stop.

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