Skip to content

BS Carnival LIIIVXI: Even More Roman Numerals!

June 16, 2010

It’s that time again… without an actual Biblical Studies Carnival we have another BS carnival:

The Biblical Studies Carnival was a monthly carnival showcasing the best of weblog posts in the area of academic biblical studies (from here on referred to as BS). It appears that the carnival is now dead. Deceased. Bit the green wienie. Ceased to exist. No more. Information on the carnival, and links to past carnivals can be found here.

The first BS carnival, BS Carnival XXX: Triple the BS, can be found here.

The second, BS Carnival XXXVII: And You Thought The Economy Was Bad…, can be found here.

Without further delay:

BS Carnival LIIIVXI: Even More Roman Numerals!

Glenn Beck

I know, I know: we’re all really, really tired of him, but this is a BS carnival. How can I not mention him? When considering BS it’s hard to imagine a single person cramming more BS into a single statement than Beck did on his show when discussing the Dead Sea Scrolls. Dr. Robert Cargill interacted with not-Dr. Beck and subjected some of his BS to peer review.

Beck: All right. So here’s what happened. When Constantine decided he was going to uh… cobble together an army, um, he did the uh… Council of uh… Nicaea, right, Pat?… Council of Nicaea. Um… and what they did is brought all of the religious figures, uhh, together, all the Christians and then they said, “Ok, let’s uh, put together the Apostles’ Creed, let’s, you know, you guys do it.” So they brought all their religious scripture together, and that’s when the Bible was first bound and everything else. And then they said, “Anybody that disagrees with this is a heretic and… off with their head!” Well, that’s what the Dead Sea Scrolls are. The Dead Sea Scrolls are those scriptures that people had at the time that they said, “They are destroying all of this truth.” Whether it’s truth or not is, is up to the individual, but that… at that time those people thought that this was something that needed to be preserved and so they rolled up the scrolls and they put ‘em in clay pots and they, they put ‘em in the back of caves where no one could find them. They were hidden scripture because everything was being destroyed that disagreed with the Council of Nicaea and Constantine. That’s what those things are.

Wow. That’s just some deep and astounding BS!

John Crowder

John Crowder has started some “Schools”.That’s right all you “Drs” and “MA” students: you totally wasted your time and money. If you had just waited until 2010 you could have studied with John Crowder a legend in the field of BS.

Can you imagine all the fantastic BS that could have been imparted to you by being in his presence? At Crowder’s Mystical School “There will be ample time for questions and answers, with sessions running 6-8 hours each day… Operate in Trances, Raptures & Ecstatic Prayer; Experience Physical Phenomena of Mysticism; Get Activated in Creative Miracles, Signs & Wonders; Understand & Access New Creation Realities; Gain A Historical Grid of Miracle Workers & Mystics; Be Activated in the Seer Realm, Prophecy, Spirit Travel; Receive Open Heavens & Revelatory Understanding; Access and Manifest the Glory Realm.”

Professor Crowder

I can just hear the start of my sessions once I abandon my PhD ambitions and start attending the Mystical School, “All right class: don’t pay attention! Yoing. Yoing. Yoing.

Paula White

Usually, Paula is doing some serious BS with the calendar and the feast days of ancient Israel. She really likes the calendar… she loves the calendar. When Paula is around a calendar it gets awkward. She has articulated an immense amount of BS pertaining to the calendar. Her calendar has magic powers for your finances!

But recently she has taken her BS in a new direction.

Triple Favor!

Paula: “Favor is a supernatural transporter to get you from your current situation to your divine revelation.” Ummm… I don’t really get that Paula, could you explain some more?

Favor is UNDESERVED ACCESS…  Favor opens doors to places that you would not be able to go…doors that would be shut to you if it were not for God’s supernatural provision of FAVOR!

God’s supernatural provision of FAVOR enables you to do extraordinary things you cannot do within your own strength, or in the natural. You have to have FAVOR in order to fulfill the assignment, and get into the purpose God has for you!

FAVOR is a supernatural force that begins with the “fear of the Lord.”  Proverbs 1:7 says “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”—but it’s also the beginning of FAVOR!

The BS, the critical thinking, and the… well, more BS is hard to fathom. I think I can do this too: BS is a natural force that begins with the “mockery of the Lord.”  Proverbs 1:7 says “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”—but that’s an attitude no BS person can adopt!

All right. I want you all to put on your surprise faces: to unlock the Triple Favor of God you have to… any guesses?… wait for it… come on, I’m going slow because I don’t want to shock your senses too badly…

That’s right: “Today, I encourage you to listen to my three very short teachings on FAVOR—and then sow a seed of faith today…in expectation of reaping a TRIPLE FAVOR HARVEST!” Holy Cow. I didn’t see that coming! So to unlock and access God’s Triple Favor in my life I have to give money to Paula for more Botox? But how can I be sure I will get this favor?

Because Paula says so, “Get ready—because there’s about to be undeserved access in your life!”

More like undeserved BS in my life…

2010 Special Award in BS

Todd Bentley

Todd is a giant in the field of BS. If there was a Mount Rushmore for BS Todd would certainly be considered among the greats to be immortalized in the art of BS. Todd gives away some of his BS for free. As an example of his incredible BS Todd gives us “Confronting the Spirit of Leviathan” with such gems as:

“In the last few weeks in prayer, I have come up against a spirit called Leviathan. I have recently heard other ministries talk about this spirit. One pastor recently in a vision saw this serpent crawling into the church basement. I believe this demonic power works hand in hand with the spirit of Jezebel…”

“When we read Job 41 and other passages that we will look at in this teaching, it will be clear that unlike popular belief, that maybe this Leviathan was a dinosaur, or as the scripture describes in Ps 74:14 and in Job 41:1: “as a large sea monster of unknown identity”. I believe that this creature is more than Ogo Pogo or some Lock Ness monster.”

“Leviathan is a demon principality not just a demon spirit. Lets look at a few verses…”

If at this point you are not already overawed by Todd’s BS then you can head on over to his site and see how he mangles eisegetes murders handles other Bible verses.

But Todd is special in the field of BS. He needs to be seen and heard sometimes more than read:

Let’s just skip the whole banker angel and angel of finance thing, because that’s more BS than I can deal with right now, and concern ourselves with Todd’s BS from Isaiah.

At 2:00 minutes into the video Todd “uses” his Bible to demonstrate what he believes the Lord is promising :

‘Thus says the Lord to his anointed'; and then it continues on in the third verse, ‘I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hidden riches of secret places, so that you may know that I the LORD am the God of Israel.’

I actually laughed out loud, stunned at the BS, the first time I watched this video. There are few with the BS acumen to pull that off.

So without further ado:

The 2010 Award For Outstanding and Deep Contributions in the Field of BS

———————————————————————

Just in case you were wondering Todd failed to mention a couple of pretty important words from Isaiah: “Thus says the Lord to his anointed, to Cyrus.” The verse is actually addressed to a Persian King… and he’s called a messiah! There’s a lot I could say about Todd’s BS with his use of Isaiah, but what’s the use. You get the picture: his BS is staggering.

But I think I can play his game too: “Thus says the Lord to his anointed, to…” At this point I stop reading what the texts says and start circling letters from verse two, “S… C… O… T… T…” Now back to verse three and I put it all together: “Thus says the Lord to his anointed, to Scott, ‘I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hidden riches of secret places.'”

I’m gonna be rich y’all! And that means if you want my Triple Favor you need to plant a seed to my ministry so that you too can have my blessing.

About these ads
6 Comments leave one →
  1. June 16, 2010 12:55 pm

    ghastly

  2. Jon H permalink
    June 16, 2010 1:47 pm

    Mystical School? Sounds more like a Live Action Role Playing thing.

    “My 5th level Seer casts Access New Creation Reality!”

  3. Chris E permalink
    June 17, 2010 8:30 am

    My head hurts: FAVOUR is undeserved access, but you can get a triple portion by ponying-up support for Paula’s antics ..

    .. and all those economists are looking in the wrong place – the financial crisis is caused by Leviathan struggling with the Angel of Banking ..

    .. which to be fair is no more ridiculous than some of the things I see on MSNBC etc.

    Oh well, I expect a Christian Borat will be along shortly to explain why this all makes sense.

  4. June 18, 2010 8:34 am

    Yes, but look at Crowder’s eyes! HOW CAN YOU DOUBT THOSE EYES!!!

  5. frcraig permalink
    June 23, 2010 12:08 pm

    Did Glenn Beck really say that shit? I knew he was an idiot, but geez…

  6. July 1, 2010 1:05 pm

    I would attend just so I could be “activated in the seer realm”. Sweet. I think Samuel Jackson graduated 2008.

    I have been wondering- are David and John Crowder brothers, or just related through beardness?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 103 other followers

%d bloggers like this: