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Epic Fail: Real Housewives of the Bible

July 9, 2011

Ty Adams, a web-based “evangelist” and author, is producing “The Real Housewives of the Bible” a DVD series that follows some women dealing with their marriages as they struggle to be ‘good’ wives.

Really?

We have to take some of the lamest drivel on TV and somehow make it “Christian”? What’s next? Jersey Shore Small Group? Just so incredibly stupid…

And how about the title? One, none of these ladies are in the Bible, and two, there are no housewives in the freakin’ Bible!!!

Just for fun, let’s take a quick look at some of the ‘house wives’ in the Bible. Let’s start with Genesis.

Eve: Tempted by snake (euphemism?) to take forbidden fruit. Basically ruined it for us all.

Daughters of Men: Liked to have sex with angels (who also have very big ‘snakes’). Basically, killed almost everyone living at the time.

Sarah: Married her half-brother, had no ‘relationship’ while being married to the most powerful leader in the world at the time, and arranged a sexual liaison for her husband and servant. So: incest, polygamy, and adultery-facilitating-she-pimp!

Lot’s wife: Apparently, from what we have in the story, stands aside as her husband proposes they hand over their two daughters for a little gang-rape! Formative and normative… (though in a weird West Virginia Shore turn of events: instead of being gang-raped by the crowd they rape their drunken father. Huzzah, Real Female Role-Models of the Bible, huzzah!)

Rebekah: ‘Knows’ Isaac for the first time in his Mother’s tent… uh, disturbing. Kicks it around Philistine Gerar pretending not to be married while flaunting her sexy self. Purposely, chooses one son over the other and completely plans his betrayal of his brother by lying to his father and her husband.

Teaching your children to lie and be deceptive while lying to your spouse: now there’s some good wifely role-model for ya!

Rachel and Leah: I mean what can you say about these two quality examples? It wasn’t enough that the sisters had intercourse with the same man, they also had to encourage their workforce to do it with him too! Shepherds Gone Wild the DVD!

Also: Ancients Who May Have Needed Viagra

Dinah: Her problem: getting raped. The solution: marry person who raped you! Awesome: what’s the worst that could happen?

Oh wait, Gen 34: 25-29… never mind.

Tamar: Ah, Tamar… what a fine biblical example for us today. Marry oldest brother Er, but he dies. No problem: just marry his younger brother! But once the younger brother, Onan, is getting all ‘biblical sense’ with his older brother’s wife–and refuses to put any yeast in the bread-basket–God has to do what any reasonable god would do: KILL HIM.

Down with the rhythm method!

So what’s the solution for any ancient female–or modern woman–in the predicament of having her first two marriages fail? Set your sites on husband number three! It’s biblical!

But what if the brother of your first husband, and the brother of your second husband–who also happen to be the same person–is not given to you so that you can kill him with your illicit sex like his older brothers? Simple: Pretend to be a prostitute, “Know” their father, rob him, and get pregnant!

Sex with your father-in-law: It’s biblical!

*********************************************

The ‘Real’ Housewives of the Bible… Probably not quite as normative as Ms. Adams would hope (yeah, surprisingly she’s still single, but sadly not afraid to give marriage ‘advice’ from her unmarried status).

The above is just the first book of the OT. Perhaps we should take a quick boo at Leviticus next to see what a “Biblical Housewife” looks like?

What do you think?

(Original Story via: Libertine Jesus)

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11 Comments leave one →
  1. nazani14 permalink
    July 9, 2011 9:03 am

    The Protestant Bible cut out the most interesting women in the Bible, Esther and Judith. Too uppity, I guess.

    Waiting for someone to post the statistics for adultery in Christian marriages and the # of Christian marriages that last.

  2. July 9, 2011 9:08 am

    Nazani14 – would that be the marriage statistics for Christians, or True Christians? Because as everyone knows, there is zero adultery and divorce in True Christianity. lol.

  3. Rod of Alexandria permalink
    July 9, 2011 9:15 am

    Sigh I give up.

    Actually, i was going to make a video, call it Jesus Shore…….Fist Pump!

  4. July 9, 2011 9:56 pm

    Can’t wait til you get round to Bathsheba. Why was she bathing outdoors and why did she meet David so readily?

  5. July 10, 2011 11:32 am

    Hi, Scott!

    Have you already seen this video?

    We’d love to know your thoughts about it.

    Hugs from Brazil!

    • Rod of Alexandria permalink
      July 10, 2011 12:47 pm

      Wow! Just wow!

  6. Headless Unicorn Guy permalink
    July 10, 2011 2:36 pm

    We have to take some of the lamest drivel on TV and somehow make it “Christian”? What’s next? Jersey Shore Small Group? Just so incredibly stupid…

    “Stupidity is like hydrogen. It’s the basic building block of the universe.”
    — Frank Zappa

    And when you mix Stupidity with Christianese, what you usually get is “Just Like Fill-In-The-Blank, Except CHRISTIAN(TM)!”

  7. Headless Unicorn Guy permalink
    July 10, 2011 2:37 pm

    The above is just the first book of the OT.

    The same one R Crumb illustrated Exactly As Written?

Trackbacks

  1. Is Scott the Andrew Breitbart of the Biblioblogosphere? | Unsettled Christianity
  2. epic fail: real housewives of the bible (and why i love scott bailey’s blog) « XKV8R: The Official Blog of Dr. Robert R. Cargill
  3. Kidding, Right — “Real Housewives of the Bible”?! | Bible Babel

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