The Fashion of the Christ
On the website Ship of Fools I was introduced to a new line of Jesus action figures by We are Fishermen . The Fishermen site is very well done, and it seems that the merchandise they produce is quality as well.
According to the site, “Our Goal is to produce the most thought provoking, intriguing products that remind us of His eternal and enduring presence.” An admirable goal, but if you are going to provoke my brain to thinking then you’re just going to have to live with the consequences.
An ancient writer once wrote, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Uh… apparently not.
Bad to the Bone Jesus
Riding without a proper helmet is a fine punishable in most places. What message is this Jesus trying to send to our kids?
Perhaps, this is the Jesus that went to the Temple and kicked some blessed assurance while clearing out the money lenders. With the right theme music it would make a pretty good movie scene.
The movie title: Holy Ghost Rider. The trailer: a montage of quick cuts between Jesus driving like a bat out of heaven, turning over tables, and cracking his whip ala Indiana Jones to “Heaven’s on Fire” by Kiss. At some point everyone in the Temple stops and looks at Jesus and he says, “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… (dramatic pause) and I’m all out of bubblegum.”
Clearly you are thinking the exact same thing as me: “That would be just too sweet!”
Cowboy up Jesus! I thought the good guy always wore a white cowboy hat?
Seeing as Jesus is sporting his golden crown of thorns what would have been really awesome is if they had also represented the bull as golden. If we’re going to conflate two different eras why shouldn’t we throw in a third?
Your child will have hours of fun with his cowboy Jesus action figure as he dominates and subjugates the idols from the Old Testament. Cowboy Jesus also has some recorded phrases that can be activated with the push of a button. Instead of “Yee-haw” Cowboy Jesus yells “Yah-weh,” and says clever things such as, “I don’t accept the challenge, because there is no challenge, but I’d be more than happy to beat up on Baal some more.” Only one word can describe that toy: brilliant!
Tomb Raider Jesus
First off, I can’t figure out why Jesus is wearing Lara Croft’s shorts. Secondly, is the wind blowing up or is he falling down? Thirdly, I like my Son of Man less Metro.
And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests; but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.”
Ummm… I’m just going to leave this one alone.
Jesus doesn’t need a helmet when he is blazing around on his motorcycle, but keeps it close by just in case the dove goes Old Testament on him.
Apparently God is a Cowboys fan. I guess the only question is whether the King of Kings can play better ball than the Burger King.
Let’s just put aside how ridiculous this looks for a moment and consider how the guys on the other team are supposed to feel. I think the reaction would be something along the lines of: “What the?!! Why do you get Jesus?? I don’t even wanna play now. Screw this!”
I suppose his favorite play is the Hail Mary? OK, I should have stopped one sentence earlier
The title for this one is, “I am Youth.” Wow. Suddenly Motocross Jesus doesn’t look quite as lame.
I can hear Jesus’ interview on ESPN after winning the next X-games, “Yeah, um, first I’d just like to thank Me for making this all possible…”
Jesus responding in a display of jealousy after everybody hails David Beckham as the “savior” of American soccer.
Sometimes when Jesus is tired of walking on water…
Of course, the biblical account would be a whole lot less impressive if Jesus had just surfed his way to the boat and Peter sank because he didn’t have a board.
Scotteriology’s first tour through the toy-land of Jesus can be found here