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Guitar Praise II: Three Chords To Armegeddon

September 26, 2008

I’m going to save Digital Praise some time and money, and do most of their R&D for GP2. Of course, this work will only be useful once GP1 has gone on to become the greatest selling Christian video game of all time. However, there will have to be a few changes the second time around if GP2 is going to shatter the records of GP1.

The first change: as any serious fan of Christian music knows only three chords are necessary for many of the songs we “rock” to in praise; therefore, the GP2 guitar should only have three buttons.

D-G-E baby!

Also, if the player only has to press these three buttons while ‘praising’ and does not have to strum his/her guitar–similar to a Rock band solo–then they can lift their free hand in worship along with the songs included in GP2. In other cost saving maneuvers: the guitar does not have to be wireless or have a whammy bar! You can tell the kids they are plugging into their amp just like Pastor Mike, and no whammy bar is needed as we are seeking a ‘pure’ sound.

Several ingenious cost cutting moves: 2 less buttons, no strum bar, no whammy bar, and no wireless unit. Production costs have been cut in half on the main controller!

Why am I not a CEO?

The second change: I also suggest that before GP2 is sent into production Digital Praise must release a statement repenting for having players “battle” each other in GP1. They could use some verse about not being a stumbling block to a brother/sister or something about division in the church – there are literally tons of mangled texts we can use for this advertising, press release, propaganda, repentance statement.

Can anyone see the brilliant payoff for such a maneuver?

Instead of Christians battling each other–as in the sinful GP1–in GP2 players unite together to do spiritual warfare in the heavenlies!!


Place Your Orders Now!

Place Your Orders Now!

The third change: GP2 can also cash in on recent innovations in the video gaming music industry and move this product towards more of a  group dynamic. A mic for the singer, and one mic for the 3 back-up singers.

If we are going to have any wireless instruments we bring them in here:

A wireless tambourine, which of course, is awarded to the back-up vocalist with the least sense of rhythm; and wireless streamers, banners, and flags for any other intercessors in the room to join in on the spiritual/musical/dancing/praise warfare (HT Kyle for that one).

Of course a new game means a slew of new artists: New Direction, Carman, Greg X. Volz, Fratello Metallo, Sandi Patty, Amy Grant, Eric Clapton (Presence of the Lord), Hillsong, and Michael Guglielmucci–among many others!

Surely, this will be the greatest music video game of all time!

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Jake permalink
    September 26, 2008 9:32 pm

    I love everything about this concept. Except one thing. And I say this as a friend Scott…

    Your academia is showing.

    Maybe instead of “3 Chords…” we could use “3 Keys…”. You hit the three main (only) keys used in contemporary worship but if you were to use the chord progression D G E, it would be a little too rock n roll for Mod Con Worship. Anytime you throw an E into something in the key of D, or any second scale degree for that matter, it automatically sounds more awesome.

    It simply can’t be that awesome. Else the pillars of the earth shall be shaken…

  2. September 27, 2008 8:21 am


    Yeah, but “3 Keys to Armageddon” sounds like a sermon title on the three groups of judgments in Revelation.

    Do you really think the people using this as their source of worship music will know that much about music?

    Your artistism is showing. 😉

  3. Jake permalink
    September 27, 2008 9:31 am

    I thought of that. But here’s why it’s even more brilliant:

    If you make it sound like a sermon, your target audience will think that it’s divinely authoritative and will feel compelled to buy it!!!

    We can advertise this thing by saying: “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!!”

  4. September 27, 2008 11:57 am

    You are so out of your league. As someone who knows JIMB inside and out I can tell you don’t have the foggiest idea what you’re talking about.

    The chords:
    D G A Bm
    or recently:
    C2 Dsus2 G Em

    I just got all kinds of nostalgic for Carmen. He’s a great performer. (Lousy theologian but a great performer)

  5. Alex permalink
    June 28, 2009 8:53 am

    Have a little respect!

    • June 28, 2009 12:15 pm

      You’re going to have to be a little more specific and a little less ambiguous with your admonition Alex…

  6. Jake permalink
    June 29, 2009 6:21 am

    Yea, ease up there Aretha.

  7. Aaron permalink
    September 10, 2009 10:51 pm

    Hey, just ran across your website, too lazy to look at find out what you believe and stand for by reviewing your other posts. I read this article and was curious because of your harsh satire.

  8. Jake permalink
    September 11, 2009 6:20 am

    I’m too lazy to look at find out lots of things too Aaron. By the by, do you happen to write mass emails about Nigerian Royalty, Low Mortgage Rates and Penis Enlargement products perchance? Just wondering…

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