How To Kill A Witch
This guy is accused of pouring a liquid on an English teacher and holding a lighter near her because he believed she was a witch.
“The suspect later told us he was trying to kill the witch by pouring holy water over her head,” said Ferndale Detective Ken Denmark. “We confiscated two lighters from him and he was committed for psychiatric evaluation.” [Read the whole article HERE]
Obviously Mr. Najor didn’t do his homework. If you really want to kill a witch you have to first consult The Malleus Maleficarum (Latin for “The Hammer of Witches”). The Hammer is a delightful little ditty written in 1486 by Heinrich Kramer and Jacob Sprenger who were both Inquisitors. That right there should notify you that there are very few intentional laughs in this book.
The book was written with two purposes. The first was to rebut any arguments that suggested witches didn’t exist. Which is quite important because if you’re going to go through all of the trouble of killing a witch it’s usually good to have some of them around. Take a gander at this awe inspiring chapter title “Whether the Belief that there are such Beings as Witches is so Essential a Part of the Catholic Faith that Obstinacy to maintain the Opposite Opinion manifestly savours of Heresy.” Yup, sounds like a real page turner. Of course, in this part of the book the authors also answer important questions that are on all of our minds such as whether children can be created by a liaison with Incubi and Succubi.
The second purpose of the book is a delightful exploration on identifying, catching, judging, and killing witches. Covering such important questions as “Of the Continuing of the Torture, and of the Devices and Signs by which the Judge can Recognize a Witch; and how he ought to Protect himself from their Spells. Also how they are to be Shaved in Parts where they use to Conceal the Devil’s Masks and Tokens; together with the due Setting Forth of Various Means of Overcoming the Obstinacy in Keeping Silence and Refusal to Confess. And it is the Tenth Action.” Just in case you missed it one of the things you do when you catch a witch is shave her “parts”. Seems like an awful lot to cover in one chapter; should have made it two.
So there you go. If you suspect your English teacher at your local adult eduction center to be a witch don’t act hastily and just pour holy water on her. Consult the experts, and do your job properly!
And just as a side bar. I hope that most readers here have a good idea that Dan Brown may be one of the very worst historians on the planet. Good story teller, obviously, but god-awful historian. The periods of witch hunting are complicated. In some countries like Estonia and Finland the majority of ‘witches’ that were killed were men. It wasn’t about the goddess or the family line of Jesus. Trust me.
And if you don’t trust me, and think the DaVinci Code is the best truest book ever written, open up some history books and some primary sources and you will see that I’m quite right and he is quite wrong… and his mis-use of The Hammer is just the tip of the iceberg!