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What Does The Bible Say To Us Today? 09/09/09 Version

September 9, 2009

It is a common tactic of the dilettante dispensationalist to use numbers to “prove” the endtimes and dates to show “exactly” when that time is going to be.

While there are certainly others whom employ this tendentious and false argument in their “theology” I believe Jack has earned the crown as their king with no serious challengers at the moment. His sheer body of work over many years is going to be hard to top. An example of Jack’s special pleading:

I’m guessing for sure that someone, somewhere is trying to establish some sort of mysterious connection between 09/09/09 and the Bible. In numerology and mysticism nine is an important and powerful number. I once had a crazy man come up to me in a library while I was trying to do research and tell me that he could sense a strong aura around me because my earrings looked like nines. He also told me that if I rubbed some Johnnie Walker Blue on my love junk it had the power to keep me from getting AIDS, and the site of Jesus return would be Victoria, British Columbia.

So not the most reliable source… but I digress.

Anyways, I thought I would put myself in the mindset of this sort of interpreter and see what the Bible has to say to us today. The number nine is the last single digit. It is the number of completion and the end; it is an important and powerful symbolic number. There must be some sort of correlation in the Bible. Let’s start in the ninth book of the NT. All righty: Galatians. Umm… let’s see, chapter nine. Wait a minute… there’s no chapter nine in Galatians? Man, now I have to use the Old Testament.

OK. Ninth book, ninth chapter, ninth verse. 1 Samuel 9:9, “Formerly in Israel, anyone who went to inquire of God would say, “Come, let us go to the seer”; for the one who is now called a prophet was formerly called a seer.” Uhmm, God? If you’re trying to tell me something you’re going to have to make it a little more explicit.

And then it hit me: The end times are a temporal revelation. I don’t want to approach the books of the Bible canonically but when they were written. OK, let’s see internet search: when were the books of the NT written? The ninth book chronologically: Romans. Well that’s airtight. If it’s on biblestudy.org it must be true.

Let’s see Romans 9:9, “For this is what the promise said, “About this time I will return and Sarah shall have a son.”

What the Sheol? There it is in plain black and white: the world is ending today. Christ is returning: LOOK BUSY!

I’m sure if we had more time to fully unpack this, like oh say 09/09/99, there would be some serious connections between Sarah having a son in Romans 9:9 and Revelation 12, “A great portent appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars. She was pregnant and was crying out in birth pangs, in the agony of giving birth.” If that doesn’t seal the deal then you will never believe.

Well, we only have a few hours left. I’m going to go give Mrs. Scotteriology a “special hug” and sit down for a nice family meal before the end. It’s been a pleasure.

See you in heaven.

9 Comments leave one →
  1. September 9, 2009 10:07 am

    That is some phenomenal number crunching. I agree with you Scott that I need to get my life in order before the end. Maybe I’ll go to Pallioti’s in Maple Ridge and enjoy some tasty pasta. Why did he have to subtract 7 years. HOw about 20016 plus the number of books in the NT (27) plus Jesus’ age when he was crucified (33) subtract how many days he was in the wilderness (40) add when the Holy Spirit came at Pentecost (Acts 1.8; 1+8=9) then add the estimated age of Jesus’ favorite disciple John (18) and you get the year 2063. This is the year when the first warp flight will take place by Zefram Cochrane and humans will meet the Vulcans and begin an age of prosperity and humanism will prevail over all, uniting the world in a federation of harmony and planets. I’m not sure if this is the date of Jesus’ second coming, but I might be close.

  2. September 9, 2009 10:25 am

    Well played Eric.

    Some impressive number crunching yourself! Your argument is compelling.

  3. Michael B permalink
    September 9, 2009 10:27 am

    2012 also coincides with a US presidential election. Maybe that’s when we will elect the Antichrist for president! Is Tiger Woods about to announce his candidacy for the 2012 election?

  4. September 9, 2009 11:22 am

    He also told me that if I rubbed some Johnnie Walker Blue on my love junk it had the power to keep me from getting AIDS,

    I’ll admit Johnnie Blue is some powerful good stuff, but I dunno about its antiretroviral qualities… for that matter, I don’t think I’d bring it anywhere near my ‘love junk’!

    and the site of Jesus return would be Victoria, British Columbia.

    Ohhhh… so that’s where you get the whole “Canada is close to heaven” thing. I understand your mistake now. Everyone worth asking knows that Texas is, in fact, an actual slice of heaven. But go with that Victoria, BC, thing if that’s what works for you and your… special friend?

    By the way, if your earrings looked like nines, what did your dress and shoes look like? Or was your ‘special friend’ wearing the dress? If so, is he the namesake of one of the Patriarchs?

  5. September 9, 2009 11:45 am

    Should I donate a bunch of money to the Scotteriology ministry – just to help my good deed quotient before the return?

  6. September 9, 2009 1:09 pm

    you missed free food at grad orientation today.

    but then you might have been trying to look busy. Who wants to be chowing down on burgers when Jesus return…

  7. September 9, 2009 3:06 pm

    Damnit! I am stuck at the college for a bit longer. ahhh!

  8. September 11, 2009 5:52 am

    ouch, that video made my head hurt, the way he kept just pulling numbers from thin air, he could have at least done it in a more direct way then the video would have been shorter.

  9. September 11, 2009 2:36 pm

    I tried the Johnny Walker thing last night… But I mixed it with some Jack Daniels… so I think I’m good to go… unless something fell of that I am not aware of.

    Oh, Lord… I think I should have drunk the Jack Daniels before watching the other Jack in this video. Actually, I get a kick out of Mr. Van Impe and his lovely plastic wife Rexella. During those late nights, when I cannot sleep, I turn my TV on, and there they are… Always good for a laff or two!

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