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How to Ruin Halloween

October 30, 2009

JC has always been at the shallow end of the theological pool for the “special” children. Don’t know JC? Well, allow me to introduce you to him: JC is Jack Chick.

For years Chick Publications has been producing evangelistic tracts from a certain “perspective”. The problem is that in describing Chick’s perspective, and his efforts with his tracts, the word dilettante hardly begins to describe what he does to theology, the Bible, philosophy, et cetera.

He’s always been bad, but with Halloween approaching, for some reason, Chick opts for irrelavant nut-job instead of his usual irrelevant whack-job. There is a subtle difference. Trust me.

These are the questions Chick Publications asks about trick-or-treaters on their website concerning Halloween: Do you run off to church or hide back in the TV room with the front lights off? Or could you use this golden opportunity to share His love with her?

The answer to these questions, of course, is:  use the moment and share his love by dropping a Chick Tract in a child’s treat bag, because by doing this you will be fulfilling Jesus’ commission to “preach the gospel to every living creature.”

Here’s the important part: This “Obedience opens the door to God’s blessing in your life!” Handing out a Chick tract is what opens the door for God’s blessing? Did Chick Publications hire Joel Osteen or Benny Hinn as a consultant recently? The intentionality and theology behind such thinking is so arrogant and stupid it shocks the rational mind: You will receive God’s blessing by handing out Chick tracts?

That someone could have this overinflated sense of “their ministry” is hard to fathom when it is such dilettantish, bigoted,  and theologically infantile drivel.

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Unfortunately, the insanity and stupidity does not stop there. Chick Publications suggests a variety of ways that you can use their comic books to ruin any child’s Halloween.

Halloween Chick Tract Usage Ideas

1. Let Trick-or-Treaters pick from a tray stocked with different Chick tracts.

 

2. Pass out Chick tracts at Haunted Houses.

3. Put a Chick tract under windshield wipers at adult Halloween parties.

4. Leave tracts in the candy section of stores.

5. Set up a table and give Trick-or-Treaters Chick tracts as they pass by your church.

6. Go house to house saying, “Trick or Tract,” then hand the person a Chick tract.

7. Share Halloween tracts at school.

8. Leave Chick tracts at Costume shops.

 

9. Hit the streets, shouting, “Free comic books!” You’ll be swarmed with requests.

10. Won’t be home? Leave a box of Chick tracts at your front door with instructions.

11. Give some of your tracts to your Christian friends to get them involved.

12. Organize a church-wide Chick tract distribution project.

13. Hand out tracts at places where they sell Halloween pumpkins.

I’d rather take a Chick tract, turn it sideways, and repeatedly give myself paper cuts to my eyes than to do this to any poor, unsuspecting child. A tray stocked with different Chick tracts… it beggars the imagination. It mocks incredulity.

I hereby give any child under the age of thirteen permission to punch any adult in the junk if they come to the front door with a tray of Chick Publications instead of candy. Hard.

Chick’s WWJD version of ministering and serving people, thereby reflecting God’s love, is handing out comic book tracts. Unfortunately, one of the tracts he thinks will communicate the J in WWJD is this horrible travesty.

I’m sorry to do this to you, but it is  so bad I simply have to share my psychological agony with others.

Click HERE to read tract and watch Super Jesus Powers Activate!

How was that for you? I experienced something along the lines of this in the first five minutes after reading the tract:

I mean… Really?… I just… *brain cramp*… Really? But I… *feverishly scratching forehead trying to claw mind’s eye out*… Ummmm??… *crying*… Really?… But the Bible says… *in fetal position weeping and rocking*… This is a joke right… *sigh*…

There simply are no words to describe the travesty… I dare anyone to go flip through some of these other “suggested Halloween titles” and see if they can walk away without losing at least five IQ points, or have their theological perceptions partially retarded.

8 Comments leave one →
  1. October 30, 2009 8:28 am

    Or, you could hand out this Chthulu tract !

  2. October 30, 2009 12:05 pm

    “Trick or tract!” Are you serious? I’m about to go ballistic.

  3. November 3, 2009 6:33 am

    I have a friend who’s a waitress. And she gets “Jesus loves you” cards and chick-tract-like things instead of a tip. I always thought that was an urban legend that atheists made up to scare their children. Sadly it appears to be true.

    • November 3, 2009 7:36 am

      Oh yeah. A lot of my friends waited tables in college (a religiously-affiliated college). It was common knowledge that the shittiest tips always came the week of the nation-wide church meeting. Thousands of people from our denomination descended from around the nation onto our little town. They’d leave a $2 tip and a tract on a $60 table. The atheists were telling the truth.

  4. March 1, 2010 10:53 pm

    Usually I don’t promote criminal mischief, but come on that’s just asking for an egging and or a T.P.ing.

    This kind of thing gets passed around in my town, only they go a bit further in sneakiness. They send their kids out to tell people “Hey, that house is giving out dollars”, instead it’s crap like this.

  5. Headless Unicorn Guy permalink
    September 24, 2010 12:37 pm

    I hereby give any child under the age of thirteen permission to punch any adult in the junk if they come to the front door with a tray of Chick Publications instead of candy. Hard.

    Never mind “That Christian Side Hug”…

    GIVE ‘EM THAT CHRISTIAN SACK TAP!

Trackbacks

  1. Trick or Tract: HalloWTF? « Amanti

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