Jack Van Impe Ministries… Chilliwack?
I live a surreal life. I have been lucky enough to travel the globe on another person’s dime, and have done and seen things that many of you would not believe.
And just when I thought I’d seen it all… I walked into the Chilliwack mall with my mate Jake.
Well, let’s back it up a bit. Jake and his lovely soon-to-be-bride Samara came to visit me and my wife in Chilliwack. We decided to stop and pick up a bottle of wine for dinner. The store we stopped at is part of a mall that has to be seen to be believed. It’s the length and width of a bowling alley with stores you’ve never heard of; if you fart on one side you can smell it on the other. I’m not joking.
The food court is two “restaurants”. I’ve never eaten there (thank God) though I assume Taco Bell probably tastes like a two Michelin star restaurant in comparison. Also, Immodium is most likely a necessity… extra-strength.
Before we left for home Mrs. Agathos insisted that we show Jake and Samara “our awesome mall”. Side-note: Jake and Samara hail from Edmonton current location of the world’s largest mall. So we decided to take a short 30 second detour through the mall.
Anyways, not only does the mall have stores you’ve never heard of with product you probably don’t want, it also has some of the most ghetto kiosks you’ve ever seen. There’s a couple of not bad ones to be fair, but mostly just some people with random junk.
Then it was spotted.
Of all the malls, of all the people, for me and Jake to stumble on this kiosk…
Jack Van Impe Presents… Chilliwack. In the past there has been no shortage of comment, bewilderment, and laughter here concerning JVIM, so to say I was quite shocked and surprised to run into a kiosk dedicated to him would be a bit of an understatement.
Kiosk might not even be the right word. It might be offensive to other kiosks around the globe to be linked to JVIM Chilliwack kiosk. Basically the “kiosk” was two tables stuck together at a 90 degree angle with DVDs covering them, and a bunch of home made signs suggesting the end of the world would be December 2012, or discussing if your pets would go to heaven.
Fortunately, Jake was able to take some video with his new iPhone. It’s sideways: deal with it. When you’re taking secret video of crazy people you take what you can get!
Here is me in discussion with kiosk person via secret iPhone video:
I like the part where the lady says something about not believing the Bible and I stutter a little (stupified and not knowing what to say) and then say, “I believe the Bible and I love the Van Impes. I watch their show all the time.”
Of course, things I believe about the Bible would probably horrify our kiosk worker like multiple authorship of the Pentateuch and Isaiah, and that Jack has made a massive, huge, incredibly large incorrect generic identification of what Hebrew prophecy is. I “believe” the Bible. And I do “love” the Van Impes and watch them all of the time… for humorous purposes. Seriously, there may be no funnier straight man than Rexella. She can make me laugh harder than anyone else on TV.
Our little visit to the JVIM kiosk also came with a handout: A MODERN PROPHECY UP-DATE. I will not punish you by representing the entire handout; however, it is full of ‘useful’ information on The Illuminati, Bilderbergs, and the council of Rome that the Bible… wait for it… ‘predicted’?
“Be not deceived: God is not mocked…” Yes, but you are!
I like how Bible isn’t capitalized but ‘End Times’ and ‘Latter Days’ is. I suppose that’s what they really worship anyways, so sort of appropriate. Also important note: if you are going to give the transliterated Greek word, first you should italicize the Greek, and second, but more importantly, you should put it after the actual word you are explaining.
The unexamined presuppositions, the faulty parroting of second hand information, the misrepresentation of biblical material, and the ridiculous leaps in logic would all guarantee this an F- if it was handed in as a paper in any school in religious studies in the world. 10, 385 verses on prophecy? Really? Methinks ye might have an incorrect understanding of prophecy.
Near the end of our conversation my wife hottie asks the kiosk worker how long she is going to be at the mall. The lady responds “December 27th”, in addition, the voice of Jake can be heard informing us what year she meant:
Around this point in the affair me, my wife, and Jake started to slowly back away from the crazy person; unfortunately this meant for his fiancee that she was in a vulnerable one-on-one situation with the kiosk worker we did not foresee. I’m not sure what question she asked her but the kiosk lady pulled out a big binder in which she had organized and tabbed all of the teachings of Jack Van Impe. She went to the section she was looking for and started to preach the gospel of Jack.
We were unsure what to do: go back and save Samara or keep our distance thereby leaving our brains safe from further psychological trauma? After a few minutes we finally manned up and went back into the danger zone to abort mission and free Samara from further punishment.
I’m assuming this is probably going to be the craziest religious kiosk experience I’ll ever have… but with the way my life has gone, you never know. Maybe next week I’ll run into Peter Kirk manning a love-fest table to Todd Bentley! BAM!
Upon returning home young Jacob handed me his iPhone to download our pictures and video, and I saw something that I have tried to ingrain erase since from my memory. Only one comment Jake: Proverbs 5:19.