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Jack Van Impe Ministries… Chilliwack?

February 2, 2010

I live a surreal life. I have been lucky enough to travel the globe on another person’s dime, and have done and seen things that many of you would not believe.

And just when I thought I’d seen it all… I walked into the Chilliwack mall with my mate Jake.

Well, let’s back it up a bit. Jake and his lovely soon-to-be-bride Samara came to visit me and my wife in Chilliwack. We decided to stop and pick up a bottle of wine for dinner. The store we stopped at is part of a mall that has to be seen to be believed. It’s the length and width of a bowling alley with stores you’ve never heard of; if you fart on one side you can smell it on the other. I’m not joking.

The food court is two “restaurants”. I’ve never eaten there (thank God) though I assume Taco Bell probably tastes like a two Michelin star restaurant in comparison. Also, Immodium is most likely a necessity… extra-strength.

Before we left for home Mrs. Agathos insisted that we show Jake and Samara “our awesome mall”. Side-note: Jake and Samara hail from Edmonton current location of the world’s largest mall. So we decided to take a short 30 second detour through the mall.

Anyways, not only does the mall have stores you’ve never heard of with product you probably don’t want, it also has some of the most ghetto kiosks you’ve ever seen. There’s a couple of not bad ones to be fair, but mostly just some people with random junk.

Then it was spotted.

Of all the malls, of all the people, for me and Jake to stumble on this kiosk…

Jake is thinking, "Did I fly to Chilliwack or the Twilight Zone?"

Jack Van Impe Presents… Chilliwack. In the past there has been no shortage of comment, bewilderment, and laughter here concerning JVIM, so to say I was quite shocked and surprised to run into a kiosk dedicated to him would be a bit of an understatement.

Kiosk might not even be the right word. It might be offensive to other kiosks around the globe to be linked to JVIM Chilliwack kiosk. Basically the “kiosk” was two tables stuck together at a 90 degree angle with DVDs covering them, and a bunch of home made signs suggesting the end of the world would be December 2012, or discussing if your pets would go to heaven.

Fortunately, Jake was able to take some video with his new iPhone. It’s sideways: deal with it. When you’re taking secret video of crazy people you take what you can get!

Here is me in discussion with kiosk person via secret iPhone video:

I like the part where the lady says something about not believing the Bible and I stutter a little (stupified and not knowing what to say) and then say, “I believe the Bible and I love the Van Impes. I watch their show all the time.”

Of course, things I believe about the Bible would probably horrify our kiosk worker like multiple authorship of the Pentateuch and Isaiah, and that Jack has made a massive, huge, incredibly large incorrect generic identification of what Hebrew prophecy is. I “believe” the Bible. And I do “love” the Van Impes and watch them all of the time… for humorous purposes. Seriously, there may be no funnier straight man than Rexella. She can make me laugh harder than anyone else on TV.

Our little visit to the JVIM kiosk also came with a handout: A MODERN PROPHECY UP-DATE. I will not punish you by representing the entire handout; however, it is full of ‘useful’ information on The Illuminati, Bilderbergs, and the council of Rome that the Bible… wait for it… ‘predicted’?

View this document on Scribd

“Be not deceived: God is not mocked…” Yes, but you are!

I like how Bible isn’t capitalized but ‘End Times’ and ‘Latter Days’ is. I suppose that’s what they really worship anyways, so sort of appropriate. Also important note: if you are going to give the transliterated Greek word, first you should italicize the Greek, and second, but more importantly, you should put it after the actual word you are explaining.

The unexamined presuppositions, the faulty parroting of second hand information, the misrepresentation of biblical material, and the ridiculous leaps in logic would all guarantee this an F- if it was handed in as a paper in any school in religious studies in the world. 10, 385 verses on prophecy? Really? Methinks ye might have an incorrect understanding of prophecy.

Near the end of our conversation my wife hottie asks the kiosk worker how long she is going to be at the mall. The lady responds “December 27th”, in addition, the voice of Jake can be heard informing us what year she meant:

Around this point in the affair me, my wife, and Jake started to slowly back away from the crazy person; unfortunately this meant for his fiancee that she was in a vulnerable one-on-one situation with the kiosk worker we did not foresee. I’m not sure what question she asked her but the kiosk lady pulled out a big binder in which she had organized and tabbed all of the teachings of Jack Van Impe. She went to the section she was looking for and started to preach the gospel of Jack.

We were unsure what to do: go back and save Samara or keep our distance thereby leaving our brains safe from further psychological trauma? After a few minutes we finally manned up and went back into the danger zone to abort mission and free Samara from further punishment.

I’m assuming this is probably going to be the craziest religious kiosk experience I’ll ever have… but with the way my life has gone, you never know. Maybe next week I’ll run into Peter Kirk manning a love-fest table to Todd Bentley! BAM!


Upon returning home young Jacob handed me his iPhone to download our pictures and video, and I saw something that I have tried to ingrain erase since from my memory. Only one comment Jake: Proverbs 5:19.

12 Comments leave one →
  1. February 2, 2010 8:51 pm

    “limited time offers” & “2012”. hahahaaaa

    That was awesome.

  2. Fred permalink
    February 2, 2010 11:04 pm

    Obama’s desire to repeal “Don’t ask, don’t tell” can actually help to fulfill the “days of Lot” (Luke 17, cf. Gen. 19), the fulfillment of which will hurry up the return of the Heavenly Commander-in-Chief who will make all things straight (pun intended)! Interesting Google articles include “Obama Supports Public Depravity,” “Separation of Raunch and State” and “David Letterman’s Hate Etc.”
    For some dessert visit Yahoo and type in “Obama Avoids Bible Verses.”
    PS – You’re invited to use these new pro-life slogans: “Unborn babies should have the right to keep and bear arms – and legs and ears and eyes etc.!” and “Unborn babies should have the same right to be born alive that abortionists had!”

  3. February 3, 2010 11:28 am

    Wrong, so wrong! “I love the Van Impes” –priceless!!!

  4. Jake permalink
    February 6, 2010 9:55 pm

    That had to be one of the most surreal moments of my life. When I saw the DVD entitled, “Will your pets go to heaven?” I thought to myself: “The woman peddling this stuff is definitely worth talking to.” But it was more akin to that scene from the Simpsons where the cat lady jumps out and starts throwing cats at Lisa. It’s like you said Scott:

    “If that conversation was a parachute jump, the wife and I pulled the chute almost immediately, Samara kept tugging at her chute but it wouldn’t open, and Jake didn’t even jump out of the plane.”

  5. February 25, 2010 7:20 pm

    A friend of mine mentioned 2012 last night to me and it’s the first I heard about it so I jumped on here out of curiosity. I think it’s kind of sick and sounds like a bunch of skeptical jargon.
    I choose to live every day like it is the last because let’s be real, WHO THE HELL KNOWS what is going to happen or when it’s your time to go on. The past is history, the future is a mystery and now is a gift, thats why it’s called the present. It’s not healthy to sit around and trip out about when you will die. Stop wasting your time you have now.
    mayan predicted
    – some truth about 2012

  6. March 14, 2010 12:13 pm

    actaully Jack van impe is a genius…….don’t think so! hahahahahaah butt head! urthermore, yo are some kind of ugly…. UGLY man! Thought I saw JASON out for the weekend.but he’s finer lookin man yoare bttt kidding di dur moma put a fire out on u face when u were born..with an ice pick crap you are UGLYYYYYYy and dumbb as bricks too hahaha UGLYYYYYYYYYYYYY watch out girls UGLYYY guy is on da move what a jerk hey go get a life join da army..but yo aint’ cause why…you is ugly cowards duhhhhhhhhhhhhh hahahah so dum 🙂

  7. Jake permalink
    March 14, 2010 12:59 pm

    Truly, that was a “Post of Glory”.

  8. Raquel permalink
    September 5, 2010 2:37 am

    So, just curious as to what makes you any kind of expert on the matter? I highly doubt you even know half of what Jack Van Imp knows. By even taking the time to set this page up to mock him and his workers, shows how immature and confused you are. Seriously? You go and attack it with the ol’, I’ll go for the bad grammar insult trick? I’m VERY skeptical and discerning of people on TV…but EVERYTHING he says is backed up by the bible. The bible clearly states that it is GOD’S UNTOUCHED WORD and warns against those who try to change it or distort it. You should maybe pick up some other hobbies than going to a mall and critizing something you know very little about. Anyway, it doesn’t matter that you think that JVI and this audience are crazies…they are good people. All that matters is that you have a relationship with your Lord Jesus Christ. Believe what you want, but there will come a time when you will look back on this and feel really bad you made a public mockery of one of God’s followers.

  9. September 8, 2010 10:21 am

    Yes, Jake, shame on you. How dare you question the holy words of the illustrious Drs. Jack and Rexetta Van Impes? What makes you think that having a degree in Religion and Theology with an emphasis on Biblical Studies and a minor in Biblical Languages, and working on a Masters in Biblical Studies qualifies you in any way to speak about religion? If you keep this up, discerning skeptics out there might start to question whether pets go to heaven or whether all public mockers are soon to perish in a solar fireball because the Mayans are approaching the end of a calendar cycle. And while you’re at it, quit going to the mall and criticizing things.

  10. September 8, 2010 10:25 am

    Meant to say agathos, not Jake…

    • Jake permalink
      September 9, 2010 5:56 pm

      Oh man, there’s a joke here somewhere!

      Seriously though. I’m only here for comic relief.

  11. Mike permalink
    November 1, 2010 12:15 pm

    First time I’ve ever stumbled across this site, but wow, just wow. I love me so Jack and Rexella for the same reason you do, but faced with the prospect of speaking to someone who believes it, I would sprint the other way. Good stuff.

    By the way, this comment is God’s untouched word. Because I just wrote that it is. And so it clearly states that it is God’s untouched word. And if you disagree, I’ll see you in hell… from heaven.

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