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CMMI: Science Bible Lesson vs Morningstar Madness

March 11, 2010

The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson

Are you mad at your children? Are traditional forms of punishment not punitive enough to alter their behavior? Then let me introduce you to the worst children’s program ever filmed and set loose upon humanity: The Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson.

Now, we could probably deconstruct this thing all day. From the “theology”, to the music, to the puppeteer (visible at times), or the production value; however, watching it was probably more than you could stand already so I’ll keep it brief.

How about Chip The Black Boy? “My ex-wife left me for another man and he has her on crack cocaine, and it really hurts.” So the young lad in this kids program has an ex-wife? Really… wow. The child, the young boy, has an ex, and she’s on crack? I’ll tell you who’s on crack: the dude that wrote this thing.

Right around the panda song is when kids will start weeping and pleading for the television to be turned off. Don’t cave in. Discipline calls for a consistent hand. Make them listen to the whole song, and then inform them that if they ever do said action again that you are punishing them for, you will make them watch the video twice. Your child will never, ever misbehave in that fashion again. You win.

The Panda has one-eye, comes to life, and then dies at the end of his song… which is appropriate because I died a little inside while watching.

Just in case you think the writer and producer had an “off day” with the above episode here’s another little tune by Chip the Black Boy that start’s off “They’re always bitchin’ and complaining about me.” Perhaps, not the most child friendly song I’ve ever heard. How about just one sentence where Chip’s mouth moves in time with the words? No? OK.

Off course, there’s some dude in an alien mask accompanying Chip; otherwise, it wouldn’t make sense.

The BBC gives us a little background on this abomination:

The religious world is a strange place…

Morningstar Madness

I know it might be hard to imagine, but these are the same nut jobs responsible for another entry in this contest: The Holy Ghost Holy Pokey (HGHP). Now the HGHP is sad, frustrating, incredibly stupid, and on and on with as many negative adjectives from the english language as possible. But what’s weird about this video is not only is it insane, but my guess is that it would scare the daylights out of many Christians, and they would wonder about demon possession.

This is yet another example of modern people acting like pre-critical ancient barbarians. They tried the HGHP magic song and that didn’t work, so now move onto chanting and wailing to drums, and maybe the force, God, gods, devils, evil, whatever will work in your favor. I kid you not, I half-expected someone to run onto the stage and sacrifice a goat about half-way through the video.

At this point there is only one question, and only one way it can be phrased: WTF is going on at that church? I mean, cuz damn… this is some messed up stuff.

14 Comments leave one →
  1. March 11, 2010 12:06 pm

    You know the Morningstar service (I watched bits and pieces of it) is probably not typical of their services, I know folks who have been down so I will ask them. Even still I have less problems with this than the commentator. This might be the extremes of ecstaticism, but I’d like a bit more context. What was going on around this service? What did the participants believe was happening in this service? I’ve been in services at least as “wild” as that and they can be empowering in good ways. For me it has to be about fruit. I have some serious problems with the new apostolic teaching, despite the claims on their website it is really just another form of restorationist dispensationalism. My beef with that has to do with an over spiritualization of theology. But at the same time I know folks who are making the transition from the ecstatic expression to real praxis. The quality of that praxis is questionable, but I’m happier with something rather than nothing. I can work with that.

    I can’t work with the JSCBcrap. I’m not sure which of the nine hells that was dredged up from but it really should go back.

    I think it was Jack Deere who said that every church has crap, it depends on the type of crap you are willing to put up with. I’m more willing to put up with charismatic crap than puppet crap.

    • March 11, 2010 12:47 pm

      Frank, I can’t imagine a context, a sermon, a song, a scripture, an explanation that would suddenly make anything in the Morningstar video seem valid or normal. I think that no matter what context we situate it in it’s going to come out looking still pretty crazy.

      In my mind, modern people dancing around like buffoons to drums with some psycho yelling out “my deep calls out to his deep” with people shaking in the crowd so the magic can happen is insane. For some of them I think even clinically insane; especially, when you mix in their “journeys” to the fourth heaven and gold dust falling around them.

      “The Lord is doing a new thing,” or “David danced naked,” or “Don’t judge lest ye be judged…” or any scripture ripped from its context to try and suddenly proof-text a defense of this would still, at the end, be insufficient, and leave me thinking these guys are mad.

      Weird, odd, crazy, insane… I guess we know what crap I’m not willing to put up with!

      • March 11, 2010 1:49 pm

        I wasn’t claiming it was valid or normal. Nor would I. And I do have serious theological issues with some of what goes on. But at the same time I’m not about to toss out all ecstatics because of the excesses of some. And I’m quite fine with pointing out specific issues like proof-texting, errant and heretical theological proclamations, etc. But it is the crap I am willing to put up with. I don’t mind cutting the odd rug in a spiritually charged environment – especially if I know I’m not coerced into doing so.

        But then again I’ve never claimed to be sane either. 🙂

      • Headless Unicorn Guy permalink
        May 20, 2010 11:17 am

        In my mind, modern people dancing around like buffoons to drums with some psycho yelling out “my deep calls out to his deep” with people shaking in the crowd so the magic can happen is insane.

        Sounds like Legba has Opened De Way and De Loa are Riding Dere Horses…

  2. Benjamin Bentley permalink
    March 11, 2010 12:32 pm

    Hey, the first video of the Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson isn’t there anymore. Can you find a different copy?

    • March 11, 2010 12:33 pm

      I thought that was just God’s mercy. 😉

    • March 11, 2010 12:47 pm

      Thanks. I fixed it.

  3. Zachery Oliver permalink
    March 11, 2010 11:58 pm

    I’m surprised Morningstar isn’t winning this one by a larger margin – I mean, the puppets are plenty dumb and odd, but something about ecstatic screaming is scary to me in a big way.

    That Morningstar might have dominance here doesn’t bother me in the slightest.

  4. March 12, 2010 2:43 am

    the puppets are truly rubbish but will be recognised as such by all and sundry (although I suppose I should never underestimate people’s gullibility)… but the morningstar stuff is positively dangerous and deliberately manipulative…

  5. Benjamin Bentley permalink
    March 12, 2010 6:19 am

    I gave it to Morningstar, primarily on the basis that the puppet wackiness is basically a one-man travesty, whereas Morningstar is an entire congregation.

    I think it’s interesting though – it’s like seeing a religion come full circle, and drop back into tribal dances. Crazy as it was, I caught my foot tapping to the drumbeat.

  6. March 12, 2010 8:41 am

    The drums in the Morningstar Madness vid are great for practicing guitar-strumming patterns while keeping up on CMMI. Right now, I’m practicing Lady Gaga “Bad Romance.” A weird combination, but hey, killing two birds with one stone here.

  7. radcs permalink
    March 12, 2010 10:12 am

    As a Christian Scientist, I should point out that the Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Program was the initaitive of one individual and not sponsored by our church organization. Although well intended, I don’t believe it is representative of Christian Science teachings or of most Christian Scientists. Anyone wanting to learn more about Christian Science can visit the official website, which provides good background information and high quality media.

  8. claidheamh mor permalink
    March 13, 2010 10:14 pm

    Watching most of these all the way through *is* usually more than I can stand. How did you know? I don’t vote until I’ve watched enough to get a good idea, but all the way through the hokey-pokey?

    A one-eyed panda: of course I thought of the old hymn, “Gladly The Cross-Eyed Bear”. How funny.

    Morningstar Madness I had to watch in skipped bits – isn’t one snippet pretty much like another?

    I was about to vote for the kiddie show as the worst, because of the early brainwashing on the children. But I see that they’re discussing real values – no drugs, no racism – albeit in a particular mythology that has no monopoly on values. No to sexism, even: it refers to “our father/mother God”. A song with words by Mary Baker Eddy. No raving nutters, no preaching hate and bigotry against anyone. No homophobia, control of others (in the show – they might stand behind controlling laws).

    Within the harmful limits of christianity, the kiddie show seems more innocuous than most of the sick stuff here in the finals (and elsewhere).

    Morningstar Madness gets my goat- er, vote! My vote!

  9. March 19, 2010 9:37 am

    WTF indeed.

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