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Yahweh Hates Birds and Fish and His Prophetess is Crazy

January 11, 2011

Inquiring minds want to know: why are all of the birds and fish dying? Like the double-rainbow man they cry, “But what does it mean?”

The craziest prophetess around currently getting way too much air and internet time, Cindy Jacobs, suggests that it is an answer from God because the nation repealed DADT. No seriously, she really said that. The dead birds are her proof.

I’m serious. She actually filmed this, and then thought it would be a good idea to put it on the iternet.

No really.

You know… Yahweh is really losing his touch. I mean, just a few thousand years ago he wasn’t so ambiguous or indirect, and his prophets were awesome. They went around naked and eating scrolls and declaring, “Thus says the mouth of Yahweh!”

Now, not so much. Today, God’s self-declared prophets speak for lunacy and ambiguity… and their God is really, really weird and ineffectual.

Before if God was irked at you it was pretty obvious. Subtle hints like all flesh being destroyed in a flood… God raining fire from heaven to destroy cities… the ground opening up to consume Moses’ detractors… a nation being taken into exile. When God went on a vindictive rampage in response to sin people were well aware of the cause.

Now?

Some birds and fish die with no real effect or obvious lesson for humans… not really OT Yahweh of Hosts God-like stuff. On the other hand, if God started flinging Gay American soldiers from the sky and raining sulfur and brimstone from on high to the centers of power that repealed DADT then we could probably guess how he felt about this law. Until then? I guess we can all agree that Cindy is crazier than crazy and lament the fact that real people actually listen to her and send her money.

How do I know that the dead birds and fish had nothing to do with DADT? Didn’t you know? I’m a  prophet!

(I could HT somebody, but unfortunately this video is everywhere…)

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Kathy permalink
    January 11, 2011 4:39 pm

    Why do prophetesses always have perfect, French manicures?

  2. Paul D. permalink
    January 11, 2011 6:14 pm

    I think Satan kills a thousand sparrows in celebration each time Cindy Jacobs makes a video.

  3. Pete permalink
    January 11, 2011 8:37 pm

    I think the the birds died to protest sparkly leopard print blazers worn by bat feces crazy “prophetesses”

    • Jake permalink
      January 11, 2011 11:13 pm

      Or purple velour tights Pete. Just sayin’.

Trackbacks

  1. Dead birds and Don't Ask Don't Tell → St. Eutychus

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