My Journey to the Fourth Heaven

In light of recent discussion I felt it was necessary to ‘release’ this experience of mine. It sheds a lot of light on other claims. And of course, since I have proven myself to be a prophet with a heavy mantle time and time again, you can accept every word of it as absolutely true with no doubt whatsoever.

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I was sitting on the couch reading Ezekiel when suddenly a strange energy seemed to pulsate around my body, and I entered an awesome trance/vision state, and I was taken up into heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know, but I found myself in the most glorious of places. There were Escalades made of pearl driving on streets paved with gold, and the rims on the Escalades were made of platinum; and the rims were spinnin’!

There were the most incredible buildings made of precious metals and jewels all through the golden streets. The buildings were more amazing than the mind could comprehend or words could express, and went further than the eye could see. A thousand times a thousand. Ten thousand times ten thousand!

Suddenly, one of the Escalades stopped in front of me and the back door opened. Somehow I knew that I should enter it; probably as a sign of faith that I was entering God’s prosperity. The material on the seats was incomprehensible; impossible to describe. It was like cream and butter for our feet. It was like the liquid glory honey cloud of God’s presence. The entire dashboard of the Escalade was fashioned from what looked like platinum, and diamonds and rubies were encrusted as indicators in a language I did not know.

In the front seats were two of the most magnificent beings I have ever seen. Their clothes were incredibly stylish and consisted of a luminous white material that near blinded me. The grills of these beings and their chains were platinum and adorned with more beautiful jewels than can be found in the whole Earth.

One of the beings said something, but I couldn’t understand him/her. The being turned around with something that looked like a CD in his/her hand, and he/she put it in my mouth. The CD melted in my mouth and it tasted sweeter than honey, and I asked the being, “Why did you do that?” The being answered me, “I am putting a new song in your mouth.” For whatever reason after he/she put the disc in my mouth I could now understand their language.

Me: Where am I?

Angel 1: The fourth heaven

Me: The fourth heaven? How did I get here?

Angel 1: Through a portal

Me: A portal?

Angel 2: Here I thought we brought up a human being and it turns out to be a parrot (angels laugh at my expense)

Me: The fourth heaven? Is that anything like the third heaven?

Angel 1: Sort of. Uhhh… the fourth heaven is for those that are, how should I say this, ummm… more theologically advanced than those who get brought to the third heaven

Me: More advanced? What happens in the third heaven?

Angel 2: Have you ever seen the show Punk’d? It’s sort of like that.

Me: So the third heaven is real?

Angel 1: Yup

Me: Hmmm. I always thought that Bentley, Crowder, Jones, and all of the other kooks were full of crap

Angel 2: Well, yes and no. You see we do bring them to the third heaven but… we’re just sort of funnin’ with them when we get ‘em there

Me: Funnin’ with them?

Angel 2: Well yeah. You know eternity isn’t exactly a short period of time, so every once in awhile we come up with a diversion. It all started (turns to first angel) what 3 or 4 hundred years before He went there?

Angel 1: Yeah somewhere around there.

Angel 2: So Big Poppa is getting ready for the whole incarnation thing and we’re sitting around and we don’t have much to do, and the divine council is fooling around, throwing out some ideas, and anyways, long story short we pluck this Jewish dude up, give him a vision ridiculously expanding on Genesis 6 and this guy totally buys it! He writes it down, I think you would know it as 1 Enoch and people accept it as, like, authoritative or something and totally use it for other purposes

Angel 1: And then after awhile a competition kind of develops between different angels as to who can bring people into the “third heaven”, give them the most whacked out crazy story, and see if they’ll repeat it in public

Me: So basically what you’re telling me is that these people are having an “experience”, but it is just you guys pulling their legs?

Angel 2: “Pulling their leg” is probably not the best term. You kind of devalue it when you say it like that. I mean, let’s face it; we’re not talking about the most self aware bunch. We figure it’s better to distract them with these visions and limit the harm. Keep them amongst themselves, and prevent them from going into the larger public and causing damage to the name of Christ. This way they just sit among themselves trying to re-create an experience or emotion. It’s better in the long run. Let some sane and properly equipped Christians deal with the rest of the world

Me: Wow. It kind of strangely makes sense now that you have ‘revealed this secret truth’ to me. (Angels and me laugh) So what are some of the better pranks you have pulled?

Angel 2: Well I don’t want to brag or anything but one of my own favorites is bi-locating

Me: Really? That really happens?

Angel 2: Not in the way people think it does. I like to go to meetings of some minister’s friends and make myself look like that person when they know he’s somewhere else. When people actually talk about it in public like they were two places ministering or something I get huge points in the competition

Angel 1: (laughing) Yeah… man that’s a good one. I so wish I would have thought of that

Me: What about you

Angel 1: Well, I’ve done some pretty good ones in my time; but I’m especially proud of some of my recent work

Me: Oh yeah. And what is that?

Angel 1: Well another angel had brought someone up and taken them to one of the crazy fake vaults we have set up in the third heaven, and afterwards this dude is goin’ off in public about the heavenly jewels and stuff–and this other angel is racking up huge points, and he’s getting a little too close to me in the rankings for comfort–so I start making fake jewels appear at a few meetings and some kooks totally run with it. Now, I didn’t get any points for that, but now every time someone shakes out some fake gold dust or hides some fake jewels under chairs I score BIG.

Me: Holy Cow, that’s awesome! You guys got way too much time on your hands. So, um, who’s winning this competition?

Angel 2: (angels look at each other shaking their heads) Well, we had a pretty good head start, and a lot of good pranks, but then he showed up, and now has a pretty insurmountable lead in the current rankings

Me: He? Who’s that?

Angel 1: Paul of Tarsus. I mean this guy is unbelievable, just unbelievable. You really should see this guy in action. One time he brought this guy to the third heaven by the name of Todd Bentley. Have you heard of him?

Me: Yeah, unfortunately

Angel 1: So anyways, he takes this guy to a cabin set-up that we have in the third heaven and starts telling him how he and Abraham wrote the book of Hebrews. I mean he doesn’t even flinch. Nothing. Straight faced earnestly tells him that he and Abraham wrote the book, and wouldn’t you know it this guy totally buys it. When he actually started repeating it in public I almost busted a wing laughing so hard. No one can touch Paul; he’s the man.

Me: (laughing hysterically) Stop, stop… man you guys are crazy!!! So why did you bring me here?

Angel 2: No reason really. We’ve been watching you, at home and school, and reading your blog–which is pretty awesome by the way–and we think you’ve got potential to work with us here in the fourth heaven. So… pretty much just keep at it. You’re doing good work.

Me: Sweet!!! Baruch HaShem!

Angels: Baruch HaShem. Peace out!

…And suddenly I was on my couch with Bible in hand. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know.