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Juanita Bynum: Typing in Tongues?!?

September 7, 2011

When thoughts of simony and condolences meet you get the following travesty.

“Dr.” Juanita Bynum is a self-style prophetess and life coach with a fake degree to give her ‘legitimacy’. We haven’t talked about her much on Scotteriology other than when he ex-husband Bishop Thomas Weeks brought the pimp-hand strong in an Atlanta parking lot!

“Dr.” Bynum is in the news this week for her Facebook posts in which she prays for the congregation of Destiny Church who lost their pastor Zachery Tims at the age of 42 in a New York hotel room.

“Dr.” Bynum begins (and keep in mind how I feel about people who type in CAPS, LIKE THEY ARE YELLING AT US!)

GOD WE PRAY FOR THE DESTINY CHURCH FAMILY….WE PRAY FOR THE STRENGTH OF PASTOR RIVA TIMS….MIGHTY GOD…GIVE US STRENGTH…..WE ARE THE BODY THAT FEELS THIS PAIN…..WE ALL FEEL IT…..COVER THE MINDS OF HIS CHILDREN…GRAB THEM UP IN YOUR ARMS LORD JESUS……BE A COMFORT TO THEM…..YOU ARE THE MANY BREASTED ONE….

OK… all caps and aposiopesis abuse, but I’ll let it go. But, “YOU ARE THE MANY BREASTED ONE….”? Really? I’m not sure I quite get that metaphor for condolences. I mean, why do the congregants need to suckle at the teat of God? Er, I mean teats! It’s bizarre, but unfortunately it gets weirder.

Dr. Bynum continued updating her Facebook with ‘prayers’ for the devastated congregation

IRD THEM UP IN THE SPIRIT…GIVE THEM A MIND TO PRAY LIKE NEVER BEFORE….WE CALL ON YOU JESUS….YOU ARE OUR HELP AND OUR HOPE!!!!!!!!NDHDIUBGUGTRUCGNRTUGTIGRTIGRGBNRDRGNGGJNRIC YOU ARE OUR HELP AND OUR HOPE….RFSCNGUGHURGVHKTGHDKUNHSTNSVHGN YOU GOD……YOU ARE OUR HELP AND OUR HOPE!!!!!! OUR HOPE IS IN YOU FATHER……

Apparently, “Dr.” Bynum’s English WORDS! of hope were not enough. She had to switch to ‘praying’ in the spirit and start typing in tongues, which if the above evidence is anything to go by, is some sort of dialect of Klingon and requires neither ‘e’s or ‘a’s.

So, “Dr.” Bynum has an extremely weird idea about the many-teated YHWH suckling the congregants of Tims’ church, and she wishes to console them by typing non-sense to them. But it still gets worse!

Her’s a couple more updates from “Dr.” Bynum

YOU ARE THE ROCK AND THE SHIELD AND THE ANCHOR…….WARD OFF ALL THE VULCHERS…WHO WILL COME FOR GREEDY GAIN AND NOT BE CONCERNED ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE HURTING IN THAT CHURCH……

Do you notice something there?

“Dr.” Bynum, who never met an act of sheeple-rape or simony she wouldn’t try to turn to her advantage, automatically assumes that God will have to “WARD OFF ALL THE VULCHERS (sic)” and sees “A A (sic) CONGREGATION FULL OF INNOCENT SHEEP READY TO BE POUNCED OPON FOR GREED.”

The only thing that makes sense is that somehow, for once in her life, a streak of honesty welled up inside of “Dr.” Bynum, and she started typing what she wanted to do at the church. I can see the she-wolf in sheep’s clothing drooling at her computer as visions of raiding the pocketbooks of New Destiny Church danced through her head. “If I can get tem to trust me, CHCNCFURRIRUNGIG…DIGGITYDIGGITY, then I can gain access to their finances.”

Her prayers are ridiculous, her typing in tongues is foolish, and her default notion that a pastorless congregation is something to be pounced on tells you a lot more about “Dr.” Bynum than anyone who might be headed to take over that church.

(via)

11 Comments leave one →
  1. Robert permalink
    September 7, 2011 1:42 pm

    It sounds as though she was confusing God with thousand-breasted Cybele. I think she needs a bit of training in how to distinguish monotheism from paganism.

    • September 8, 2011 4:39 am

      No mistake, this is a thing in certain very charismatic circles. I’ve heard more than one sermon in my young life where the pastor taught that “el shaddai” literally translates as “God the Many Breasted One”.

      Not saying it’s true, just saying it gets taught. Google will back me on this one!

  2. 4xi0m permalink
    September 7, 2011 9:31 pm

    “CHCNCFURRIRUNGIGNGNGNVGGGNCG”

    Huh. If she’s typing in tongues, and tongues are otherwise always spoken, shouldn’t the written tongues-words be pronounce-able? I’m just sayin’, there’s a really high consonant-to-vowel ratio in this word, and very few recognizable phonemes. It looks more like a protein sequence with a lot of glycine and arginine than an actual word.

    • September 8, 2011 4:34 am

      To be fair, we don’t know for a fact that she is in fact typing in tongues. It could be that she just gets “slain by the spirit” and then passes out on her keyboard for little bits…

      • dan permalink
        September 8, 2011 11:36 am

        I think shes having a stroke. Someone call an ambulance.

  3. Jon Hendry permalink
    September 7, 2011 9:52 pm

    Apparently God’s keyboard is broken and only the middle keys work.

    I also thought about Cybele. Or possibly Eccentrica Gallumbits of Eroticon 6.

  4. Headless Unicorn Guy permalink
    September 7, 2011 10:37 pm

    I thought Great Artemis of Ephesus was “The Many-Breasted One”…

  5. phaeton83 permalink
    September 8, 2011 12:26 am

    Do all those consonants make anyone else think of “Cthulhu fhtagn”?

  6. Latayla permalink
    September 13, 2011 8:55 pm

    Its so easy to judge someone else, remeber we are not to judge, the body of Christ is to edify let us just

  7. Brian M permalink
    September 15, 2011 9:26 am

    I don’t think anyone is JUDGING here, Latayla. We are LAUGHING, not JUDGING, but LAUGHING.

    And why would you assume we are interested in being part of this Body of Christ? Does that mean I will grow multiple breasts?

  8. dan permalink
    September 16, 2011 10:10 am

    oh i think judgement is needed here. what she is doing is idolatry not Christianity. We are not to judge on the condition of the soul or someone but we can judge there actions.

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