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The Purity Bear

February 16, 2012

So these videos have been making the rounds…

The Liberty Counsel was promoting a “Day of Purity” instead of Valentine’s Day so those who strive for moral purity can stand together in opposition to a culture in moral decline.

Sure. Whatever. Fill your boots.

But these videos? I don’t know. First, Purity Bear is actually kind of creepy… and when you’re in the heat of the moment nothing says stop like a talking teddy bear: ’cause there are no talking teddy bears! And there will be no Purity Bear voice to talk you out of a decision, and if there is a teddy bear that shows up out of nowhere when you are sexually excited and talks to you, please seek professional help immediately!

Second, the dating scenarios seem a little weird. For instance, in the second video the guy says in one sentence, “It’s been nice to get to know you” and then follows that up with an “I love you.”

Let me give all the ladies a pro-tip: if you go on a date with a guy, and get to know each other a little bit–and we gotta be talking an early date if you’re still getting to know each other–and then he drops an I love you bomb: Run away! Purity be damned: you have a stage-five clinger on your hands!




Kudos to any male who can get the “my-parents-aren’t-home” green light, with overwhelming hormones rushing through their bodies, and be talked out of it by the voices in their head that resemble a little bear. Actually, that’s kind of crazy. Let’s be honest, the first Purity Bear scenario probably looks a little more like this.

[NSFW: Swearing]

The cynic in me wonders how many times the sexual line has been crossed, and then young girls and boys go to church pretending that “Purity Bear” stopped them from making a bad decision, but really…


Instead of Purity Bear, how about the Purity Honey Badger! “You want to have sex? The Purity Honey Badger doesn’t care! Oh look, he’s running. Now the Purity Honey Badger is eating your penis. Nasty! Try having sex now. The Purity Honey Badger doesn’t care!”

[NSFW: Swearing]

4 Comments leave one →
  1. 4xi0m permalink
    February 18, 2012 2:02 pm

    Thanks, Scott. I now have nightmares about the Purity Honey Badger.

    Scary bad-ass purity animals aside, anyone else wondering exactly what activity “virgins who wait for marriage have a higher success rate” at?

    • Headless Unicorn Guy permalink
      February 19, 2012 12:14 pm

      Purity Honey Badger don’t give a shit about your nightmares!

      Scary bad-ass purity animals aside, anyone else wondering exactly what activity “virgins who wait for marriage have a higher success rate” at?

      Probably marriage, based on the argument that “virgins who wait for marriage” have greater self-discipline; don’t know if the stats back up Purity Bear, though.

      And just to demonstrate how lame Purity Bear is (at least Purity Honey Badger has guts), Here’s a My Little Pony fanfic that makes the case for sexual self-discipline a LOT better than Purity Bear!

  2. February 27, 2012 3:06 pm

    It always cracks me up the lame-ass way uptight Christian sects try to deliver relevance and completely creep you out. When if they just had an honest talk with their kids, the kids get it. It’s really that simple many times. You don’t need some haunted bear.

    • Headless Unicorn Guy permalink
      March 1, 2012 5:24 pm

      I think it’s more a case of Haven’t Got A Clue than anything else. When you’ve spent most of your life in that different Christianese Bubble World, you’re going to be pretty clueless about the real world.

      It’s like that old Doonesbury strip from the Seventies where this undercover DEA agent is trying to blend into the local drug scene by Speaking in FIFTIES slang, Daddy-O.

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