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God Loves Boobies!

June 13, 2013

I haven’t written or commented on Todd Bentley in quite awhile, but if you use the site search you will find several articles and videos of his outrageous claims and ridiculous ministry, such as kicking people in the stomach to cure them from cancer.

Anyways, once upon a time Bentley was a disgraced minister following the events at Lakeland, FL where he claimed to perform 34 resurrections amongst other insanity. Bentley had to lay low for a while, but being the prophet that I am, I knew he would be back if he could make himself financially viable again. It’s the best part about being a charismatic preacher: you can screw up horribly, and you don’t really have to do anything to make amends, you just break a spirit or curse and move on like nothing happened.

Sleep with one of the elder’s wives? Bind the spirit of adultery!

Separated from your wife? Bind the spirit of divorce!

It is basically a free pass. You don’t have to do anything. No counseling, no change. Just bind the spirit–or sometimes break the curse–and bam: back in charge!

Apparently, according to Todd, a “senior prophet” (whatever that means) broke the curse in his life–get this–from the criticism and judgement he received following Lakeland. That’s right, there wasn’t a curse on Todd’s life from anything he did, but from those evil morons who had the audacity to suggest that plugging his secretary was probably not very pastoral.

Anyways, once the curse was broken all of Todd’s magicks supposedly came back to him, and he can wizard the crap out of stuff again.

In a recent Eblast, in which (get ready to put on your non-surprise face) Todd is asking for money (I’m guessing that Todd asking for money surprised about zero people) so he can go to Uganda and dupe the ignorant and credulous people there into believing he has all the magicks. Of course, it wouldn’t be a Todd Bentley miracle extravaganza if he didn’t make outrageous and unverifiable claims.

As the miracle started to happen, people came forward to testify. They were in the line to come up onto the platform. They brought a woman that had been to all the witch doctors and all the magic soothsayers and whatever she could do to get healed because she had breast cancer. The doctors could do nothing to help her. So she went to the witch doctors and she got involved in all the magic. She said, “I just want to be healed.” She was a notable woman of government. Everybody knew who this woman was, and they knew she had cancer.

After they failed to get her healed, medically and witchcraft, she needed to have surgery to remove one breast. They totally removed one breast from cancer. She was in the crowd that night with maybe six or seven thousand people. As she was standing in the crowd, the power of God came all over her and she grew a brand new breast. They brought her onto the platform and I had never seen anything like this in my life.

This woman was weeping and crying and screaming and jumping up and down. She was excited. The people were like, “What happened to this woman? Is this possible?” Right after that, they brought two more people onto the platform. The woman was born without the parts that a woman needs, and the man as well because of a cancerous tumor. Both of them were instantly healed. This man and woman both received a reproductive miracle in their body. All the reproductive organs and parts grew back in the meeting at the same time that this woman’s breast came back.

So, apparently God hates amputees and won’t heal them, but missing a titty? Yeah, he’s all over that.

Does a North American person need their legs to grow back from prayer? Hell no! But does an unnamed African male need his Beefy McManstick to grow back in a ‘miracle’ that can never be verified? Hell Yeah!

Of course, why stop at one outrageous lie?

I got up on the platform that night and I started to break the power of witchcraft, and 1,835 people at the same time started manifesting demons and fell to the ground writhing like snakes. We counted 1,835 people vomiting, rolling in the mud, writhing and hissing on the ground like snakes. There were even people levitating off of the ground by the power of witchcraft, even a young boy. I will never forget the image. This young boy that was so possessed with demons that he was banging his face against the metal on the platform until his face was gushing blood. They started to throw the people that were manifesting demons up onto the platform. They couldn’t even carry them up. The ushers were trying to gather 1,800 demon-possessed people that were all violently manifesting demons at the same time. Never have I seen anything like this.

I had 60 demon-possessed people on the platform-people trying to bite at my ankles. We prayed for about an hour, and the power of God broke out. The power of witchcraft was broken. In the altar call, witch doctors came forward to renounce witchcraft and give their lives to Jesus. Remember that in the first three days, we had 176 salvations. When the curse was broken over the city, that’s when the creative reproductive miracles happened. The woman grew that breast. It brought out all the witch doctors. Now in three days, 34,000 people came to know Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.

Todd Bentley: liar, scam artists, snake oil salesman.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. Artor permalink
    June 14, 2013 7:21 pm

    Wow! That sounds like a pretty dramatic scene, with people levitating, 1,835 demons possessing the audience, blood & vomit splattering everywhere! I bet it’ll look awesome on YouTube. I wonder why I can’t find any evidence of such a thing. Surely, of the thousands of witnesses, SOMEbody had a cell phone? In this day and age, even people in Africa have cell phones that can take a crisp video of something like that.

  2. June 30, 2013 11:05 pm

    Sounds like the 500 “witnesses” of 1 Corinthians 15. Easy thing to claim, but that’s the power of language. You can claim anything you want, and voila!

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