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Worst. Satanists. Ever.

June 18, 2013

I have certain expectations for my Satanists; they need to conduct themselves in a typical morally reprehensible and evil manner:

1: Have sex with a goat

2: Sacrifice goat to the Dark Lord while dancing naked in the moonlight

You know, good old fashioned Satanist stuff!

But Satanists just ain’t what they used to be. First, we had to be subjected to famous Satanists Anton Levey’s Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth that has commands such as “Do Not Kill non-human animals.” What the what? How the hell are you supposed to sacrifice to your Dark Lord if you do not kill animals?

All in all, very disappointing non-evil rules for evil Satanists.

Now, along comes the Satanic Temple of Brooklyn who has launched a crowd-funding campaign to join New York City’s Adopt-A-Highway program.

Really, Satanic Temple? Really? You’re supposed to be overtaking the world with evil and magic, and instead you’re adopting a highway. So disappointing…

They even have a webpage set up to raise money for the project:

Help The Satanic Temple spread their message as they enter the adopt-a-highway program in New York City where they will maintain voluntary beautification of a stretch of public highway for at least 2 years by way of litter cleanup and landscaping. Once approved, the New York Department of Transportation will erect a blue-and-white sign acknowledging The Satanic Temple as the adopters of the designated piece of highway, helping promote a message of Satanic Civic pride and social responsibility.

Against a cultural backdrop noted for simplistic dichotomies and a monotone voice known as “the” religious agenda, the Satanic Temple boldly stands forth to assert the too-often-marginalized voices of religious non-believers. The Satanic Temple seeks to separate Religion from Superstition by acknowledging religious belief as a metaphorical framework with which we construct a narrative context for our goals and works. Satan stands as the ultimate icon for the selfless revolt against tyranny, free & rational inquiry, and the responsible pursuit of happiness.

And a video:

“Helping others, and leaving the world a better place…”? Um, I think you’re confused about this whole following the Dark Master thing, you’re supposed to magic and evil us to the apocalypse, and maybe destroy a few lives on the way. I mean, HELLO, you’re evil!

And for those hoping for a certain amount of unmitigated evil from their Satanists, the Satanic Temple’s home site is even more disappointing. Amongst the guidelines for Satanism is their nine fundamental tenets:

  1. People should be guided by compassion and wisdom and follow the golden rule of  “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
  2. The Circle of Compassion should extend to all species, not just humans.
  3. People are fallible, and although we should all try to do our best, poor judgment is inevitable. If we make a mistake, we should do our best to rectify it, and resolve any harm that may have been caused by our misdeeds.
  4. The Satanist should ever be self-reflective.
  5. Our beliefs should conform to our best scientific understanding of the world. We should take care never to distort scientific facts to fit our beliefs.
  6. The freedoms of others should be respected, even the freedom to offend, but great care should be exercised to avoid wrongly encroaching on the freedoms of others.
  7. There are things we don’t understand, and it is appropriate to acknowledge that. It is not appropriate, however, to be proud of ignorance.
  8. While proselytizing might have noble intent, it is not acceptable to coerce or push your beliefs on others. It is always best to lead by example.
  9. Every tenet is a guiding principle designed to inspire nobility in action and thought. The spirit of compassion and wisdom should always prevail over the written or spoken word.

Arrrghhhh! You can’t take Jesus’ teaching and make it your number one tenet: you’re freaking Satanists! You fight for the other guy using evil! You’re number one tenet should be screwing people over with magic and evil!

The Circle of Compassion? Of Compassion? Really, Satanists? Really? What part of the word “evil” are you not getting?

Oh, here’s a kick to the balls: “Our beliefs should conform to our best scientific understanding of the world.” So instantly a Satanists is smarter than–what?–Sixty to seventy percent of religious persons? You don’t “believe” in science Satanist persons: you do freakin’ magic after sacrificing an animal inside a pentagram at midnight! Have you not read any Jack Chick tracts?

“The spirit of compassion and wisdom…”?!?


Worst. Satanists. Ever.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Saul E. Gonzalez permalink
    June 18, 2013 9:52 pm

    Too funny!

  2. Jon H permalink
    June 19, 2013 8:40 pm

    “Now, along comes the Satanic Temple of Brooklyn who has launched a crowd-funding campaign to join New York City’s Adopt-A-Highway program.”

    Well, Donald Trump already sponsors a section of the West Side Highway in NYC. They had to do *something*.

  3. June 26, 2013 2:35 pm

    Oh dear, my fellow Satanists will be saving cute puppys and kittens next.

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