Darkmatter2525’s take on one of the most messed up Bible stories. NSFW!
Like any good apostle, David E. Taylor believes a lot of things — “love is the key to living a happy life,” “you can literally meet Jesus at one of my ticketed events” and “you should put on chain mail and start carrying a sword because these are the end times” among them. He also believes that dreams are direct, life-leading messages from God Almighty and that information received in a dream should be taken as fact and shared with everyone else. You know that weird moment where your wife dreams about you cheating on her and gets mad at you in real life? TOTALLY LEGIT.
Part of that is knowing that if someone you know dreams about the results of an upcoming sporting event … say, the Super Bowl … you’re obligated to share that info Back to the Future II Sports Almanac style. Squire Dave put on his best white blazer and announced a 24-21 Super Bowl XLVIII win for the Denver Broncos.
Uh, sorry, believers, he’s not really “abreast upon football.”
The video itself is hilarious and full of amazing quotes like, “The score was 24 to 21. Now I’m not sure how accurate those details are, I’m just stating them.” YEAH YOU ARE. Four touchdowns to three! Aaaaand then the damn thing starts with a safety. Thanks, God.
Here’s the video of Taylor making his “prophecy” after he’s had confirmation from the Holy Spirit.
If there is one thing that Christians like to do it’s to somehow observe “God’s Hand” in random events. For example, Susanne Atunus, a Republican congressional candidate in Chicago, believes God “controls the weather.” She also ‘believes’ that tornadoes, autism and dementia are God’s punishments for the gay rights movement and abortions.
“God is angry. We are provoking him with abortions and same-sex marriage and civil unions,” she added, blaming natural disasters like tornadoes and diseases including autism and dementia on recent advances in the LGBT movement. “Same-sex activity is going to increase AIDS. If it’s in our military it will weaken our military. We need to respect God.”
Of course this is nothing new: we’ve seen countless dilettantes such as Cindy Jacobs, Pat Robertson, Lou Engle, and Patricia King, among many others, see “God’s hand” in natural events.
Another great example of this insane sort of behaviour is one of our favourite insane persons here at Scotteriology: The Third Eagle of the Apocalypse, William Tapley. Now there’s not too much going on in the world where the Co-Pervert of the End Times can’t see some sort of end times tie-in. Hell, he thought there was even secret messages in a Psy video for Gangnam Style. The man is bat-shit, looney tunes, put him in a straight jacket, some one dig up his back yard insane.
Don’t think he can see some sort of message in everything? Well.. Evil Prophecy in iPad Commercial!!!
From Zack at The American Jesus
If you missed the AFC Championship game last weekend between the Denver Broncos and the New England Patriots, you missed a prophetic battle of apocalyptic proportions in which the Anti-Christ (Peyton Manning) took down God’s prophet (Tom Brady).
While some may think those role assignments should be reversed, the biblical math is indisputable.
Peyton Manning wears the number 18 which is 6+6+6, the Mark of the Beast.
Tom Brady wears the number 12 which is 4+4+4, the number of God.
It’s so obvious.
The Third Eagle goes on in the video to explain this screen grab from the iPad commercial:
What you are seeing is an image of a woman giving birth and she is giving birth to nuclear war. Now in the center we see the woman’s entrance to her birth canal and on either side the woman’s legs as she is about to give birth. Now if I remember my biology correctly, these lines up here on either side represent fallopian tubes and, of course, the baby is actually a nuclear explosion. There is even a smudge at the bottom representing the woman’s anus.
“The woman’s anus…” Just when you thought his cray-cray had hit its lowest point, he sees a woman’s anus in an iPad commercial. And, of of course, THE END OF THE WORLD!
Anyways, if we are going to see the direct retribution of God in all sorts of events, then I as a prophet of God, who in the past has proven to wear a heavy mantle of prophetic glory can only declare that God must love marijuana!
First, God created marijuana, “Then God said, “Let the land produce vegetation: seed-bearing plants and trees on the land that bear fruit with seed in it, according to their various kinds.” And it was so. The land produced vegetation: plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the third day” Gen 1:11-13
So there you have it: God created the seed bearing plant of marijuana and he called it good.
Second, you clearly have God’s majestic hand at work in American Football declaring to the nations His everlasting love for the plant that he created.
Recently, Washington State and Colorado became the first two states to legalize marijuana. Clearly, as God is apparently wont to show his displeasure over legal decisions concerning same-sex marriage and abortions by sending natural disasters, that same God is showing his approval for the legal decisions of these two states by using his Almighty power to guide the football teams of these two states into the National Football League Championship.
God is using this clear and obvious sign to declare to the nations, “I love marijuana!”
The only real question at this point now that God’s almighty love for His creation has been demonstrated is: will you also dearly love what He has created? Will you honor Exod 30:8 “There shall be perpetual incense before the LORD throughout your generations”? The word for incense here in Hebrew comes from the verb qatar which means, “to cause to rise up in smoke.”
“For from the rising of the sun even to its setting, My name will be great among the nations, and in every place incense is going to be offered to My name” (Mal 1:11).