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CMMI: Hokey Pokey vs Guitar Praise

March 3, 2010

Christianity’s March Madness has begun! We’re in the round before the quarter-finals… quarter-finals, semi-finals… what is this round? Eighth-finals? Well, we’ll just go with round one.

Holy Ghost Hokey Pokey

Perhaps the saddest, lowest, most incomprehensible moment in the history of Christianity. It is difficult to understand how any form of Christianity, at any point in the history of humanity, under any circumstance possible, could degrade into this foolishness.

To see any form of content so divorced from the extreme emotionalism is horrifying. It’s the Hokey Pokey, and they treat it like magic.

And the way that dude sings the song… it’s the Hokey Pokey dude. Come on. (Thanks J!)

Guitar Praise

Maybe some of you are thinking “what is this doing here?” But “Guitar Praise” stands as a symbol of a horrible disease in greater Christianity: take something useful or popular and stick the label “christian” on it. The problems with this are many; but to be brief: “Christian” is a bad adjective, and you end up with a product that is both derivative and not nearly as good as the original, so Christian in this instance means badly done copy-cat. If you’re thinking “CCM” at this point… yeah, me too.

“Guitar Praise” is proof that surely our western Christianity may be one of the most inept world conforming versions in the history of mankind. Kierkegaard would have a heart attack if he saw this… if he was still alive of course!

You knew it was going to happen. The devil’s music was being played in a popular video game… someone had to sanctify sanitize these games before our children started listening to rock and or roll music, experimenting, and ultimately leaving the church when they got older. Oh wait, that’s already happening… never mind.

The makers of Guitar Praise claim the game “Features hit songs from popular Christian rock bands.” Um… OK, there may be a couple of “Christian” rock bands peppered in here and there, but Chris Tomlin? Casting Crowns? Jennifer Knapp? Newsboys? Judge for yourself but feel free to make fun of, and question, their set list. If they were going to throw in some oldies could it have hurt to use some bands that actually tried to rock a little: e.g., Resurrection Band, AD, Barnabas, et cetera?

Anyways, both are low-points in Christianity; it is up to you guys to decide who continues in the Madness. Voting remains open until the end of round one and will be decided from the poll. However, don’t be afraid to cast a vote then explain your vote in the comments. There can be only one!

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18 Comments leave one →
  1. March 3, 2010 10:13 am

    Maybe because I am numbed to the Christian culture travesties, I had to go with unabashed juvenile lunacy over Guitar Praise. The Hokey Pokey is one of those videos that had my jaw dropping on the floor, really unique. I think they have a chance to go all the way!

  2. March 3, 2010 11:33 am

    Guitar Praise is pretty horrible, but how could it compete with the Hokey Pokey???

  3. Zachery Oliver permalink
    March 3, 2010 12:00 pm

    It’s definitely Hokey Pokey. Infinitely more disturbing.

  4. thegreatswalmi permalink
    March 3, 2010 12:13 pm

    agreed…the hokey pokey has to win this one. yeah, GP is lame, but the holy spirit hokey pokey deserves to be shouted down for all of eternity.

  5. March 3, 2010 2:39 pm

    I have to go with Hokey Pokey. And I mean Hokey.

    I had my son playing those other guitar games, but as Jake wisely pointed out:

    “See, it starts like this. Then he’ll start hanging the Hayley posters in his room. Then the hair will be dyed orange and pretty soon he’s bringing his new “beau” Roger home for Thanksgiving.

    ROCK MUSIC IS THE DEVIL!!!”

    I am reformed.

  6. Zachery Oliver permalink
    March 3, 2010 5:00 pm

    I was just thinking about the setlist for Guitar Praise…

    Honestly, the least they could do was get some Demon Hunter, August Burns Red, Emery, The Devil Wears Prada, Norma Jean, Becoming the Archetype, or at least something that I would want to play guitar on that is also a Christian band (whatever that means).

  7. March 3, 2010 5:04 pm

    So you are saying you can’t have a religious experience doing the hokey pokey? :) The hokey pokey is definitely worse, but the Christian guitar hero made me laugh as it reminds me of the Christianized Dance Dance Revolution that my church has with all the “hits” of Christian rock

  8. Pete permalink
    March 3, 2010 7:01 pm

    I have to disagree with most of you on here and say that the Guitar Praise charlie-fox far exceeds the Hokey Pokey in its potential and realized harm. I say this simply because I’ve always had a fundamental problem with people making a profit from music that is specifically “christian”. While the artists themselves have their reasons for choosing to make a living (read: a righteous mint) off of praise music, this company pushing the GP is stepping into no-man’s land by becoming a middleman in this mess. What’s the lesson here, boys and girls? Simply this, take worship music (or preaching for profit or _______ ‘good’ acts for profit) and turn it into a game/different medium and nobody can question your motives simply because it’s ‘better than what kids COULD be listening to/doing.’ Simply being better than an alternative does not make you better, it makes you far, far worse.

    My apologies for the rambling….

  9. Jake permalink
    March 4, 2010 6:10 am

    J, I’m so glad you’re taking my parenting advice seriously.

    Now you’ll never have to worry about “Roger”. Or at least never having to meet him at Thanksgiving…

  10. nazani permalink
    March 7, 2010 8:15 pm

    Slightly OT- I heard Stryper is putting out a CD this year. Mildly curious about what they look like now – maybe “relaxed fit” killer bee spandex?

  11. March 8, 2010 9:30 am

    I’ve to t hand it to you. Trolling youtube for these gems of Christian insanity has to constitute a mental health hazard. If I had to do it I’d be tearing my eyes out and cutting off my ears so as not to have t see or hear most of this crap.

  12. Mistlethrush permalink
    March 9, 2010 6:42 am

    Christian rock is just lame but that Holy Ghost Hokey Pokey is truly terrifying. Hokey Pokey all the way!

  13. peter morris permalink
    March 9, 2010 8:56 am

    The HGHP is musically charming. If Widespread Panic or the southern rock band The Outlaws had done it, it would not be offensive. What galls me is this; a 16 bar blues ballad has been paired with the simplest of dances and the result is given supernatural power in a spiritual framework.

  14. peter morris permalink
    March 9, 2010 8:59 am

    Guitar Praise is just crass commercialism in the name of religion.

  15. mephistopheles permalink
    March 9, 2010 10:45 am

    I ahve to say that Guitar Praise is turly lame. Actually it’s banal, it doesn’t even register on my worst list. The HGHP on the other hand is truly a magnificent pastiche of SSRI-induced psychosis coupled with west-coast worship. As a matter of fact, Beliel and I are doing it right now.

  16. Headless Unicorn Guy permalink
    May 20, 2010 11:22 am

    Well, we’ve got GodTube (“Just like YouTube, Except CHRISTIAN!”) and Christian Chirp (“Just like Twitter, Except CHRISTIAN!”); why not Guitar Praise (“Just like Guitar Hero, Except CHRISTIAN!”)?

  17. Headless Unicorn Guy permalink
    June 11, 2010 10:25 am

    What really makes the Holy Ghost Hokey Pokey is the voice. The breathless mincing “I’m not Gay, really I’m not” voice that’s half Michael Jackson, half Richard Simmons.

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